To start with,here's a conversation that sums it all up for me. The other mom is a married parent of a non-de kid (older daughter mentioned below) and the other a de kid.
She said:
Good work, Mama. It was a nice event. Husband was glad he went. Our daughter was glad we went. She was impressed that so many people were all there to discuss be in or becoming a family "like us". Today after dinner I hugged her and told her that the day she was born, the day I first became a mother, was one of the happiest of my life. Her response was "I think that will make me really happy too one day. And if I can't have kids I'll adopt one or get some eggs". So matter-of-fact. I thought that was awesome.
And I said, Thank you for being you and being there for me as well-notes like this make itworthwhile. My daughter was totally beaming and very into it that yours asked for a play date.So, I said we'd come to the city to have one soon. I mean she was glowing! Then shesaid why dont you guys come here. Then stopped herself and said, no, they can't come here because its too messy at our house. So I said that not only do we like to go to the citybut that it really doesnt matter where we have a playdate, just that we have one.
Monday, November 15, 2010
DE Moms Talking about the NYC Gathering Nov 14,2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Long Island Parents via DS - photo story books, meeting donor sibling family, share their journey with us.
Monday, November 8, 2010
A Conversation about NOT TELLING with Diane Ehrensaft 11.8.10
Talking with Diane Ehrensaft, Author of "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates". Todays question for Diane is about NOT TELLING.
Sara:
The Nov 14 workshop will have a variety of options available on the topic of disclosure. With that in mind,I have wanted to support the people who are in what we call "the no-tell camp". Not with the objective to change anyones mind about this, but rather to help them to process whatever feelings go along with parenting after donor conception and surrogacy.
So Diane,can you start off with anything you think might be helpful for
those on the other side of the disclosure discussion?
Diane:
Okay, here are some thoughts about emotional experiences for parents who have decided not tell their children:
There is no boiler plate solution to sharing or not sharing with your children the facts of their conception, and each parent or set of parents will make their own choices about that, matching their family needs and personal beliefs.
For those of you who decide not to tell, a whole host of feelings may come up that are good to be prepared for. You may feel caught in the vice created by the tensions between two opposing groups: those who feel there is no reason for a child to know (this being the common stance of the medical field over the years) vs. those who feel you are doing a disservice to your child, both emotionally and medically (for those who use donors), by not telling them the real story of their conception.
Your job, of course, will be to hold to your own personal decision regarding your child while giving yourself room to explore all the reasons you made that decision. Some parents who don't tell worry that they will be "outed"--that somehow their child will find out from another source and be furious at them, even reject them. Some of you in the not telling camp may hold a belief that genetics are really not that important and wonder why others make such a big deal of it. Indeed, there are many in other countries who have just that thought about we Americans, and feel strongly that once the egg and sperm come together, all that matters is that a baby is made who is yours for the rest of your lives, and that it is presumptuous to assert that the children will ever even care about it at all. You may feel relieved that you don't have anything that will get in the way of the love between you and your child, which is all that all of us would ever want in our bonds to our children. You may feel relieved that your child is protected from potential harm if you live in a community or within an extended family which would not take kindly to a child conceived in these "new-fangled" ways.
If there are two parents, and you are the non-genetic parent, not telling makes it so much easier to create an even playing field between you and your partner, so that there is no worry about your child seeing you partner as the more "real" parent. Just like people who have chosen to tell, you may wonder at times if you have made the right decision to not tell, and indeed there are some people whose feelings change over time and then decide at a later date that they would like to tell their children. Parenthood is a life long process with twists and turns along the way, so what we know now as a parent of an infant may be so different from what we come to know later as a parent of a teenager. The felt advantage of deciding not to tell early in your child's life is that it is a decision you can definitely change later, whereas if you make an early decision to tell your child about his or her origins and then regret it , there is absolutely no way to undo that decision once the cat is out of the bag.
Whatever the range of your feelings, the most important thing is that you feel supported for the way you have chosen to build your family, including the decision not to tell, for in the larger scheme of things, we should remember that we are all family.
Sara:Diane, thanks as always.
Sara:
The Nov 14 workshop will have a variety of options available on the topic of disclosure. With that in mind,I have wanted to support the people who are in what we call "the no-tell camp". Not with the objective to change anyones mind about this, but rather to help them to process whatever feelings go along with parenting after donor conception and surrogacy.
So Diane,can you start off with anything you think might be helpful for
those on the other side of the disclosure discussion?
Diane:
Okay, here are some thoughts about emotional experiences for parents who have decided not tell their children:
There is no boiler plate solution to sharing or not sharing with your children the facts of their conception, and each parent or set of parents will make their own choices about that, matching their family needs and personal beliefs.
For those of you who decide not to tell, a whole host of feelings may come up that are good to be prepared for. You may feel caught in the vice created by the tensions between two opposing groups: those who feel there is no reason for a child to know (this being the common stance of the medical field over the years) vs. those who feel you are doing a disservice to your child, both emotionally and medically (for those who use donors), by not telling them the real story of their conception.
Your job, of course, will be to hold to your own personal decision regarding your child while giving yourself room to explore all the reasons you made that decision. Some parents who don't tell worry that they will be "outed"--that somehow their child will find out from another source and be furious at them, even reject them. Some of you in the not telling camp may hold a belief that genetics are really not that important and wonder why others make such a big deal of it. Indeed, there are many in other countries who have just that thought about we Americans, and feel strongly that once the egg and sperm come together, all that matters is that a baby is made who is yours for the rest of your lives, and that it is presumptuous to assert that the children will ever even care about it at all. You may feel relieved that you don't have anything that will get in the way of the love between you and your child, which is all that all of us would ever want in our bonds to our children. You may feel relieved that your child is protected from potential harm if you live in a community or within an extended family which would not take kindly to a child conceived in these "new-fangled" ways.
If there are two parents, and you are the non-genetic parent, not telling makes it so much easier to create an even playing field between you and your partner, so that there is no worry about your child seeing you partner as the more "real" parent. Just like people who have chosen to tell, you may wonder at times if you have made the right decision to not tell, and indeed there are some people whose feelings change over time and then decide at a later date that they would like to tell their children. Parenthood is a life long process with twists and turns along the way, so what we know now as a parent of an infant may be so different from what we come to know later as a parent of a teenager. The felt advantage of deciding not to tell early in your child's life is that it is a decision you can definitely change later, whereas if you make an early decision to tell your child about his or her origins and then regret it , there is absolutely no way to undo that decision once the cat is out of the bag.
Whatever the range of your feelings, the most important thing is that you feel supported for the way you have chosen to build your family, including the decision not to tell, for in the larger scheme of things, we should remember that we are all family.
Sara:Diane, thanks as always.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
October 7 Voice America Show on Disclosure of Donor Origins to Children
Theresa Erickson,Conceptual Options, Ericksonlaw.com is hosting a radio show on Voice America. All shows are archived and there is an interesting and informative variety available and to be aired over the next several months.
On October 7th, I was a guest on the show to talk about The NYC Gathering and Disclosure of Donor Origins, along with Marna Gatlin of PVED.ORG and Megan Erickson, Theresa's Daughter.
Theresa hosted a great show and made my first public interview and radio experience (since the Sunday Morning Puzzle with Will Shortz and Leeann Hansen on NPR 20 yrs ago) both comfortable and enlightening.
Marna shared her insights and mission for PVED.org and has done tremendous work supporting the families involved in egg donation and the on-going OPEN discussion she is creating in our community.
Thanks so much to Megan Erickson who shared a side of egg donation not often heard from and indeed one person who has so much to offer others and is willing to share it. Theresa, Megan and Marna-what great examples of what strong families can be.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=49165
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1767
On October 7th, I was a guest on the show to talk about The NYC Gathering and Disclosure of Donor Origins, along with Marna Gatlin of PVED.ORG and Megan Erickson, Theresa's Daughter.
Theresa hosted a great show and made my first public interview and radio experience (since the Sunday Morning Puzzle with Will Shortz and Leeann Hansen on NPR 20 yrs ago) both comfortable and enlightening.
Marna shared her insights and mission for PVED.org and has done tremendous work supporting the families involved in egg donation and the on-going OPEN discussion she is creating in our community.
Thanks so much to Megan Erickson who shared a side of egg donation not often heard from and indeed one person who has so much to offer others and is willing to share it. Theresa, Megan and Marna-what great examples of what strong families can be.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=49165
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1767
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Conversation with Diane Ehrensaft October 10, 2010
I've been talking with Diane Ehrensaft (author of "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Suggogates") about Birth Others, Genetic Others, ages and stages of disclosure (see post from our NYC Gathering Womens Dinner in January with Diane where we discussed ages and stages of disclosure).
Diane coined the term "birth other"--which includes both donors and surrogates/gestational carriers (who are not genetically related) . My term for egg donors is "genetic others" since they didnt do the birthing.
The "young scientists" are the young school age kids who are interested in how things work rather than the complicated psychological implications. That comes later.
Diane strongly recommends having someone talk to classrooms and train teachers so that the children from assisted reproductive families do not feel like outliers (MY BIGGEST ISSUE AROUND THIS) and the issues apply to all children and the different ways of building families.
All parenthood involves loss-loss of nonparenthood life, loss of sleep, loss of fantasies as they are are replaced by the real child.
For those parents who have dealt with fertility problems, there may be the loss of having a genetically related child. For those parents missing a parent to have a baby with, there may be a feeling of a missing parent, who a donor cannot be. As long as people know it comes with the territory, they don't have to sweep the feelings under the rug.
What Diane wants parents to know is
1) that they will creatively draw their own family map and then navigate within it; there is no one boiler plate; 2) dishonesty never pays; 3) authenticity does; 4) at the same time, there can be tiers of disclosure and layers of privacy; 5) children are incredibly adaptable organisms, and all children have something to deal with; a birth history that involved assisted reproductive technology is one of those things to deal with, and can be done with pride and good feeling, as long as parents leave room for the full gamut of their children's feelings (and their own); 6) at the time, parents should carve out separate space to work through their own raw feelings, if they surface, so that what reaches the child are metabolized and empathic responses, rather than torn or conflicted ones.
Diane coined the term "birth other"--which includes both donors and surrogates/gestational carriers (who are not genetically related) . My term for egg donors is "genetic others" since they didnt do the birthing.
The "young scientists" are the young school age kids who are interested in how things work rather than the complicated psychological implications. That comes later.
Diane strongly recommends having someone talk to classrooms and train teachers so that the children from assisted reproductive families do not feel like outliers (MY BIGGEST ISSUE AROUND THIS) and the issues apply to all children and the different ways of building families.
All parenthood involves loss-loss of nonparenthood life, loss of sleep, loss of fantasies as they are are replaced by the real child.
For those parents who have dealt with fertility problems, there may be the loss of having a genetically related child. For those parents missing a parent to have a baby with, there may be a feeling of a missing parent, who a donor cannot be. As long as people know it comes with the territory, they don't have to sweep the feelings under the rug.
What Diane wants parents to know is
1) that they will creatively draw their own family map and then navigate within it; there is no one boiler plate; 2) dishonesty never pays; 3) authenticity does; 4) at the same time, there can be tiers of disclosure and layers of privacy; 5) children are incredibly adaptable organisms, and all children have something to deal with; a birth history that involved assisted reproductive technology is one of those things to deal with, and can be done with pride and good feeling, as long as parents leave room for the full gamut of their children's feelings (and their own); 6) at the time, parents should carve out separate space to work through their own raw feelings, if they surface, so that what reaches the child are metabolized and empathic responses, rather than torn or conflicted ones.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Link To Radio Show October 7, 2010
Thanks again to Reproductive and Family Lawyer Theresa Erickson of Conceptual Options and Ericksonlaw.com, Marna Gatlin of PVED.org and Theresa's daughter Megan Erickson, for todays Radio Show on Voice America. I was honored to be part of this innovative and educational series happening on Voice America.
We are very fortunate to have professionals like Theresa and Marna (and Theresa's other guest experts) in the field of Third Party Family Building.
The show Marna and I were on together was on the topic of Disclosure. Marna shares with us her insights on how she came up with new terminology, her approach with her own family, and all the services provided and being developed at PVED.org.
Megan Erickson spoke about her experience having a Mom who has been an egg donor and her feelings about having genetic others in her own life growing up and now as the young woman Theresa can be so proud of.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1767
We are very fortunate to have professionals like Theresa and Marna (and Theresa's other guest experts) in the field of Third Party Family Building.
The show Marna and I were on together was on the topic of Disclosure. Marna shares with us her insights on how she came up with new terminology, her approach with her own family, and all the services provided and being developed at PVED.org.
Megan Erickson spoke about her experience having a Mom who has been an egg donor and her feelings about having genetic others in her own life growing up and now as the young woman Theresa can be so proud of.
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1767
Saturday, October 2, 2010
NYC Gathering Womens Dinner Recap-Childrens Book Review
September 13, 2010, led by Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD.
The NYC Gathering Group joined together to review some of the books available to introduce the idea of assisted conception to children. There was a range of opinions about which books "spoke" most directly to each of us. Some especially liked the lovely illustrations in "Mommy was your tummy big?" Others, the books that gave less information, and left more room for the reader/mother to fill in details with her own story. The best of these seemed to mention less about donors and details of medical treatment, and more about how each family is unique and special.
We agreed that the books with more information about IVF, DE, DI are more appropriate for somewhat older children, but somewhat problematic, as many of them include a lot of references to the parents' struggle with infertility and how that was presented. There was consensus that too much talk about doctors and treatments could trouble a young child, and lead them to be concerned for their parents.
There is no perfect story, but all of the books are helpful because they encourage parents to speak to children about the special ways they were conceived. At the moment, we are all focused on talking to young children, stay tuned as we think more about how to talk to older kids too.
Nancy Freeman-Carroll, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist-Psychoanalyst
350 Central Park West, Suite 13E
New York, NY 10025
212-665-0442
nminafreeman@mindspring.com
The NYC Gathering Group joined together to review some of the books available to introduce the idea of assisted conception to children. There was a range of opinions about which books "spoke" most directly to each of us. Some especially liked the lovely illustrations in "Mommy was your tummy big?" Others, the books that gave less information, and left more room for the reader/mother to fill in details with her own story. The best of these seemed to mention less about donors and details of medical treatment, and more about how each family is unique and special.
We agreed that the books with more information about IVF, DE, DI are more appropriate for somewhat older children, but somewhat problematic, as many of them include a lot of references to the parents' struggle with infertility and how that was presented. There was consensus that too much talk about doctors and treatments could trouble a young child, and lead them to be concerned for their parents.
There is no perfect story, but all of the books are helpful because they encourage parents to speak to children about the special ways they were conceived. At the moment, we are all focused on talking to young children, stay tuned as we think more about how to talk to older kids too.
Nancy Freeman-Carroll, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist-Psychoanalyst
350 Central Park West, Suite 13E
New York, NY 10025
212-665-0442
nminafreeman@mindspring.com
October 7 Radio Show http://www.ericksonlaw.net/surrogacy-law-radio
The Surrogacy Lawyer Radio Program- Thursday at 11am PDT
October 7, Theresa Erickson will interview her guests (Sara, Marna and Megan) about disclosure for both donor-conceived children and (non-donor conceived) children of egg donors
Prospective parents who utilize third party reproductive technologies like egg donation must answer many questions as they move through the decision-making process. How should they choose an egg donor? Should the donation be known or anonymous? If, when and how should they disclose information to their child and others? Additionally, egg donors need to consider whom they will tell about their donation, especially their current or future children.
In the second part of a two-part series on donor disclosure, Theresa Erickson will discuss these and other questions on The Surrogacy Lawyer: Your Guide to IVF and Third Party Reproduction in an episode entitled “The Two Sides of Donor Disclosure,” that will air on Thursday, October 7 at 11AM PST/2PM EST on Voice America.
Surrogacy lawyer, author and radio host Theresa Erickson will be interviewing Marna Gatlin, founder and CEO of Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED); Sara Axel, founder of the NYC Gathering and a parent of twin six-year-old girls conceived through egg donation; and Megan Erickson, law student and Theresa Erickson’s daughter.
“Disclosure often is the elephant in the room,“ says attorney Erickson. “All parties know it is important, but also realize it is one of the hardest issues to address. Intended parents need to wrestle with determining whom should they tell, what information their children need to know and when they should learn it. Then there is the other side of the coin of how the egg donor should handle disclosure. As a former egg donor, I have had this conversation with my children, one of whom will relay her feelings about this.”
http://www.ericksonlaw.net/surrogacy-law-radio
October 7, Theresa Erickson will interview her guests (Sara, Marna and Megan) about disclosure for both donor-conceived children and (non-donor conceived) children of egg donors
Prospective parents who utilize third party reproductive technologies like egg donation must answer many questions as they move through the decision-making process. How should they choose an egg donor? Should the donation be known or anonymous? If, when and how should they disclose information to their child and others? Additionally, egg donors need to consider whom they will tell about their donation, especially their current or future children.
In the second part of a two-part series on donor disclosure, Theresa Erickson will discuss these and other questions on The Surrogacy Lawyer: Your Guide to IVF and Third Party Reproduction in an episode entitled “The Two Sides of Donor Disclosure,” that will air on Thursday, October 7 at 11AM PST/2PM EST on Voice America.
Surrogacy lawyer, author and radio host Theresa Erickson will be interviewing Marna Gatlin, founder and CEO of Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED); Sara Axel, founder of the NYC Gathering and a parent of twin six-year-old girls conceived through egg donation; and Megan Erickson, law student and Theresa Erickson’s daughter.
“Disclosure often is the elephant in the room,“ says attorney Erickson. “All parties know it is important, but also realize it is one of the hardest issues to address. Intended parents need to wrestle with determining whom should they tell, what information their children need to know and when they should learn it. Then there is the other side of the coin of how the egg donor should handle disclosure. As a former egg donor, I have had this conversation with my children, one of whom will relay her feelings about this.”
http://www.ericksonlaw.net/surrogacy-law-radio
Monday, September 27, 2010
My just right donor, by L
It was a warm day forDecember, and my husband and I were on our way to make a very importantchoice. We were on our way toreview potential donors with our clinic and expected to choose one during thistrip.
A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.
We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.
I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.
So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?
First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.
Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.
And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”
We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.
We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.
We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.
A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.
That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.
What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.
Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.
A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.
We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.
I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.
So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?
First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.
Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.
And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”
We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.
We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.
We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.
A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.
That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.
What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.
Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Definition of a Parent by The Child Welfare League of America
From the Publication of The Child Welfare League of America : Creating Parenting-Rich Communities. Go to CWLA.org for more info.
Definition of a Parent:
When we use the term "parent", we are referring to biological mothers and fathers
as well as the many different adults who take on the role of raising a child over time.
Definition of a Parent:
When we use the term "parent", we are referring to biological mothers and fathers
as well as the many different adults who take on the role of raising a child over time.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Regulating Third Party Reproduction in The U.S.
Thanks for the great posts Marna. I started writing this post at 7am ......
The regulations on TPR are what I fear the most. Was it only a year or so ago a bill was voted down in MO that would have had donors listed on birth certificates (same person who proposed taking away school lunches from the poor kids over the summer, let them go work at mc d's and get fed there and work for it)?
Life is and will be hard enough for our kids without having to deal with the idea that their conception was wrong, bad, no longer available because-well,I overslept and haven't had enough coffee yet to go there.I'm on the train,on my blackberry, and I'm just a regular person trying to make a living and get through the day like everyone else. ABC still can't get anyone to talk publicly about spending a tad more for specific (read-better) donor criteria. I'm not what they're looking for,we used a bargain-basement,anonymous clinic shared-cycle donor (who may have been as smart and attractive as the ivy-leaguer...)
So Marna, please rant away because its the only way to get anyones attention. Your statement about the next 10 yrs is interesting because when I started 8 yrs ago another veteran couple at the time told me that in 20 yrs this will all be no big deal and I still hear people say that. Are we 30 pct there or do we still
have a long way to go and a lot of work to do? The technology has advanced much faster than the public mind-set. We are far from the destigmatization and real acceptance that we deserve.
Thanks again Marna!
The regulations on TPR are what I fear the most. Was it only a year or so ago a bill was voted down in MO that would have had donors listed on birth certificates (same person who proposed taking away school lunches from the poor kids over the summer, let them go work at mc d's and get fed there and work for it)?
Life is and will be hard enough for our kids without having to deal with the idea that their conception was wrong, bad, no longer available because-well,I overslept and haven't had enough coffee yet to go there.I'm on the train,on my blackberry, and I'm just a regular person trying to make a living and get through the day like everyone else. ABC still can't get anyone to talk publicly about spending a tad more for specific (read-better) donor criteria. I'm not what they're looking for,we used a bargain-basement,anonymous clinic shared-cycle donor (who may have been as smart and attractive as the ivy-leaguer...)
So Marna, please rant away because its the only way to get anyones attention. Your statement about the next 10 yrs is interesting because when I started 8 yrs ago another veteran couple at the time told me that in 20 yrs this will all be no big deal and I still hear people say that. Are we 30 pct there or do we still
have a long way to go and a lot of work to do? The technology has advanced much faster than the public mind-set. We are far from the destigmatization and real acceptance that we deserve.
Thanks again Marna!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Life After Assisted Conception (ART) by Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD
From: NYSPA Division of Psychoanalysis nyspa@nyspa.org
Subject: Psych-e-News
Psych - e - News
An Online Magazine from the
New York State Psychological Association
Division of Psychoanalysis
Issue #7 Winter 2010
In This Issue
Life After Assisted Conception (ART)
Carly told me that she felt she was the only mother on the playground with her secret. She had been hiding from the other mothers the fact that her own twin boys had not been conceived in "the normal way" because she feared rejection by "the motherhood club." Carly was so preoccupied by enormous self-consciousness and sadness that she hadn't noticed the other women in her neighborhood who had also needed infertility treatment. As she and I began talking about this, we came to see times in her past that she had felt different from others. Those earlier experiences had laid the ground for feeling so powerfully isolated now. The deeper understanding of this aspect of herself helped to reduce her self-consciousness, and her mood lightened. It gave her room to consider the way she, and not "the motherhood club," experiences being a mother.
The psychological impact of infertility can last a long time, even after the birth of a much-wanted child. The discovery and treatment of infertility can strain coping mechanisms, leaving even the most confident individual surprised by a profound sense of inadequacy and failure. When the treatment is successful and a child is born, the pain of trying to have a baby can now subside. But its toll--feeling powerless, alienated from peers, and battered by the losses--may linger. In the support groups I have run in my office for parents who created their families with Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), men and women talk about unresolved feelings: the unfairness of medical conditions, the mystery of infertility, and regrets for waiting to have children.
Guilt, self-criticism, anger and despair related to infertility can be confusing and disruptive, particularly when projected onto others. Some parents worry, for example, that their child will be stigmatized and not accepted as a "real" part of their extended family or socially ostracized at school. I help them to see that their own unresolved feelings are the source of these worries. In order to move on, they must acknowledge and accept these feelings, and let go of the idea of conception as they thought it "should be."
Assisted conception represents a "final frontier" in social and scientific terms. Parents using it today are adventuring into unknown terrain and can feel lost and alone. Although thousands of children are born through ART every year, assisted conception often remains hidden.
Conception occurring outside of the womb is commonly referred to as In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). IVF may use the parents' own ovum and sperm to conceive, or one or both can come from a donor, with the possible addition of a surrogate mother to carry the embryo as it develops. Gamete (ovum or sperm) donation is a complicated and sensitive psychological experience for both men and women. For example, a woman must accept both the loss of a genetic connection to her child and the addition of an ovum from another woman. This mental adjustment strains her sense of self, identity, and physical integrity. Each of these areas is vulnerable to the influence of past traumas, and the legacy of the woman's own early family experiences. For men, the need for a sperm donor may be equated with inadequate masculinity and provoke a similar crisis. Some women feel the most discomfort as they search for a donor like themselves, reflecting a desire for sameness that may be impossible to satisfy; for others, worry about the donor's otherness increases during pregnancy or heightens post-partum depressive feelings.
ART families are both similar to and different from families created through adoption or sexual intercourse. I encourage couples to define family for themselves and use this idea to think about genetics, biology, and environment. While genes matter, their significance is mysterious and intricately connected to the context in which they merge. Truths arise that may seem contradictory: Donors contribute genetic material, but they are not parents to the child conceived with donor gametes. Healthy families created with ART learn to balance what they know about and what they can only guess.
When should I tell my children? What if I have very little to tell them about the donor? Will they ask me if I'm still their mother or father? What should I say? What will it mean to me if they want a relationship with the donor? Most parents seek help with these questions as their children reach preschool age. At this age, some parents also admit to pain about feeling different from their children--in appearance, talents, or personality. In general, men and women are relieved to come together to talk about the simple pleasures and complicated realities that shape their lives thanks to the possibility of assisted reproduction.
Talking about conception with a child is also a way of talking about sexuality, and parents may bring the same discomfort and inhibitions to both topics when discussing them with their child. One parent began by reading her four-year-old daughter a storybook about ovum donation and asked me in amazement, "Is everything okay if she doesn't ask a lot of questions?" This mother had expected her daughter to want to know more about her donor, but found instead that her little girl enjoyed the story and treated it like any other book she liked: She asked to hear it over and over again. The mother's anxiety betrayed both her wish and her fear about talking with her daughter. Both benefited when mother was able to consider in advance what she wanted her child to know, aware that the two of them will say more and more over time.
Recent studies (notably the work of Susan Golombok in England) show that families created with donor gametes are doing well; families who disclose information about the use of donors may be doing even slightly better, with more openness and less conflict reported between teenagers and parents. In my professional work with families created with ART, we find ways to speak about donor gametes and the meaning of family and genetics, so that the families created with assisted conception can accept the ambiguities involved, and thrive.
Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD
Subject: Psych-e-News
Psych - e - News
An Online Magazine from the
New York State Psychological Association
Division of Psychoanalysis
Issue #7 Winter 2010
In This Issue
Life After Assisted Conception (ART)
Carly told me that she felt she was the only mother on the playground with her secret. She had been hiding from the other mothers the fact that her own twin boys had not been conceived in "the normal way" because she feared rejection by "the motherhood club." Carly was so preoccupied by enormous self-consciousness and sadness that she hadn't noticed the other women in her neighborhood who had also needed infertility treatment. As she and I began talking about this, we came to see times in her past that she had felt different from others. Those earlier experiences had laid the ground for feeling so powerfully isolated now. The deeper understanding of this aspect of herself helped to reduce her self-consciousness, and her mood lightened. It gave her room to consider the way she, and not "the motherhood club," experiences being a mother.
The psychological impact of infertility can last a long time, even after the birth of a much-wanted child. The discovery and treatment of infertility can strain coping mechanisms, leaving even the most confident individual surprised by a profound sense of inadequacy and failure. When the treatment is successful and a child is born, the pain of trying to have a baby can now subside. But its toll--feeling powerless, alienated from peers, and battered by the losses--may linger. In the support groups I have run in my office for parents who created their families with Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), men and women talk about unresolved feelings: the unfairness of medical conditions, the mystery of infertility, and regrets for waiting to have children.
Guilt, self-criticism, anger and despair related to infertility can be confusing and disruptive, particularly when projected onto others. Some parents worry, for example, that their child will be stigmatized and not accepted as a "real" part of their extended family or socially ostracized at school. I help them to see that their own unresolved feelings are the source of these worries. In order to move on, they must acknowledge and accept these feelings, and let go of the idea of conception as they thought it "should be."
Assisted conception represents a "final frontier" in social and scientific terms. Parents using it today are adventuring into unknown terrain and can feel lost and alone. Although thousands of children are born through ART every year, assisted conception often remains hidden.
Conception occurring outside of the womb is commonly referred to as In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). IVF may use the parents' own ovum and sperm to conceive, or one or both can come from a donor, with the possible addition of a surrogate mother to carry the embryo as it develops. Gamete (ovum or sperm) donation is a complicated and sensitive psychological experience for both men and women. For example, a woman must accept both the loss of a genetic connection to her child and the addition of an ovum from another woman. This mental adjustment strains her sense of self, identity, and physical integrity. Each of these areas is vulnerable to the influence of past traumas, and the legacy of the woman's own early family experiences. For men, the need for a sperm donor may be equated with inadequate masculinity and provoke a similar crisis. Some women feel the most discomfort as they search for a donor like themselves, reflecting a desire for sameness that may be impossible to satisfy; for others, worry about the donor's otherness increases during pregnancy or heightens post-partum depressive feelings.
ART families are both similar to and different from families created through adoption or sexual intercourse. I encourage couples to define family for themselves and use this idea to think about genetics, biology, and environment. While genes matter, their significance is mysterious and intricately connected to the context in which they merge. Truths arise that may seem contradictory: Donors contribute genetic material, but they are not parents to the child conceived with donor gametes. Healthy families created with ART learn to balance what they know about and what they can only guess.
When should I tell my children? What if I have very little to tell them about the donor? Will they ask me if I'm still their mother or father? What should I say? What will it mean to me if they want a relationship with the donor? Most parents seek help with these questions as their children reach preschool age. At this age, some parents also admit to pain about feeling different from their children--in appearance, talents, or personality. In general, men and women are relieved to come together to talk about the simple pleasures and complicated realities that shape their lives thanks to the possibility of assisted reproduction.
Talking about conception with a child is also a way of talking about sexuality, and parents may bring the same discomfort and inhibitions to both topics when discussing them with their child. One parent began by reading her four-year-old daughter a storybook about ovum donation and asked me in amazement, "Is everything okay if she doesn't ask a lot of questions?" This mother had expected her daughter to want to know more about her donor, but found instead that her little girl enjoyed the story and treated it like any other book she liked: She asked to hear it over and over again. The mother's anxiety betrayed both her wish and her fear about talking with her daughter. Both benefited when mother was able to consider in advance what she wanted her child to know, aware that the two of them will say more and more over time.
Recent studies (notably the work of Susan Golombok in England) show that families created with donor gametes are doing well; families who disclose information about the use of donors may be doing even slightly better, with more openness and less conflict reported between teenagers and parents. In my professional work with families created with ART, we find ways to speak about donor gametes and the meaning of family and genetics, so that the families created with assisted conception can accept the ambiguities involved, and thrive.
Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
New Volunteers Available for Peer Support
Please let me know if you would like to talk to someone who has been through this. We now have 6 Peer Support Volunteers available to speak with you about Infertility, IVF, Donor Conception and Parenting and Gestational Surrogacy. Contact me off-line for more info at saxel95@aol.com.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Meeting Recap of Feb 7,2010-Q+A with DE-conceived teen
Thanks to Harriette Rovner Ferguson who facilitated our discussion.The parents attending were pg and parents via de,de/ds,de/gc,blended families via de,the mom has an adoptive sibling,one de parent on an adoption path after de.
The guest of honor has a twin brother and another set of sibling twins a few yrs younger,early teens,same donor. She expressed a natural,comfortable curiosity and gratitude for the donor and was open to answering anything thrown her way. She is interested in whether or not she has any other donor siblings besides her family.
All the attendees were impressed with her poise and maturity and almost everyone said they hope their own kids turn out half as wonderful as this young woman.
Thanks again to Harriette and our guest.We are hoping for a follow-up meeting this summer.
The guest of honor has a twin brother and another set of sibling twins a few yrs younger,early teens,same donor. She expressed a natural,comfortable curiosity and gratitude for the donor and was open to answering anything thrown her way. She is interested in whether or not she has any other donor siblings besides her family.
All the attendees were impressed with her poise and maturity and almost everyone said they hope their own kids turn out half as wonderful as this young woman.
Thanks again to Harriette and our guest.We are hoping for a follow-up meeting this summer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)