Showing posts with label Donor Conceived Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Donor Conceived Children. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
DE Moms Talking To Their Kids in 2011
Or talking to your friends, family, doctors ?
Let me know if you'd like to join the conversation and what you'd like to add.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Please contact me directly at SAXEL95@AOL.COM.
Let me know if you'd like to join the conversation and what you'd like to add.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Please contact me directly at SAXEL95@AOL.COM.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Family Scholars
From the Family Scholars-the meanest cruelest bloggers out there and this is what the say about posting comments
on their site:
Bloggers and commenters: be rigorous, be powerful, be funny, but don't be mean.
on their site:
Bloggers and commenters: be rigorous, be powerful, be funny, but don't be mean.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A Conversation with Mikki Morrisette of Choicemoms.org
I'm, always on the look-out for good info to share with our Choice Moms of The NYC Gathering, or Single Mothers by Choice. In the disclosure discussions we deal with how, when and what to tell our children and the others in our lives. Here is Mikki's take on how to deal with the others in our lives during the early years.
About filling our paperwork for schools etc....
"Most women I've heard of opt to put N/A, or leave it blank, on birth certificates. I think in the case of schools the same would apply. But it might also be important to make a note that the child is "from a Choice Mom family, meaning I opted to build our family despite the lack of a partner."
That's basically what I did.
Similar to adoptive families, it becomes important at times for good teachers to understand that not everyone is coming from the traditional family. At least where I am, there is more open discussion about it in those early years to lay the groundwork.
Especially when it comes to the family tree assignments that start to happen in kindergarten. It's good to walk tall and proud. :-)
One innovative solution to the family tree assignments, which happen in early school years, is an idea that my daughter and I came up with years ago.
On our birthdays, we draw a flower and, in the roots and stems and petals, write the names of the people who are most important to us. (It's interesting to note how some vary from year to year, and who remains the same.) Rather than noticing a blank side of the family, as with traditional family trees, where "biological dad's" side cannot be filled in adequately, we focus our efforts on recognizing that there are many friends and family in our network who help us evolve as the person we are becoming."
About filling our paperwork for schools etc....
"Most women I've heard of opt to put N/A, or leave it blank, on birth certificates. I think in the case of schools the same would apply. But it might also be important to make a note that the child is "from a Choice Mom family, meaning I opted to build our family despite the lack of a partner."
That's basically what I did.
Similar to adoptive families, it becomes important at times for good teachers to understand that not everyone is coming from the traditional family. At least where I am, there is more open discussion about it in those early years to lay the groundwork.
Especially when it comes to the family tree assignments that start to happen in kindergarten. It's good to walk tall and proud. :-)
One innovative solution to the family tree assignments, which happen in early school years, is an idea that my daughter and I came up with years ago.
On our birthdays, we draw a flower and, in the roots and stems and petals, write the names of the people who are most important to us. (It's interesting to note how some vary from year to year, and who remains the same.) Rather than noticing a blank side of the family, as with traditional family trees, where "biological dad's" side cannot be filled in adequately, we focus our efforts on recognizing that there are many friends and family in our network who help us evolve as the person we are becoming."
You can read more about this, and see an example, here: http://www.choicemoms.org/blog/70/the_family_tree_assignment
Mikki Morrissette
http://www.choicemoms.org
Thanks again Mikki. So great to have you here in NYC!
Mikki Morrissette
http://www.choicemoms.org
Thanks again Mikki. So great to have you here in NYC!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Friend Halle talks to her daughter and friend about DE
Halle is another mom of 6 yr twin girls. She replied to "Don't ask Dont tell with this story (and she's one of the few people I know that speaks openly about donor and third party reproduction):
"Over the weekend Dani was telling her friend that "first she was in another ladies belly and then she was put in my belly". Her friend asked "So do you have two mommies?" I jumped in "No, only one Mommy. A mommy is the person that takes care of you everyday. The one that feeds you and dresses you and buys you things. That's a Mommy. The other lady is called a "Donor". The girls seemed happy with that explanation. I believe that is how they learn. By others asking questions and just generally being comfortable with it.
Families are created so many different ways now. I think people judge less and less."
Thanks, Halle!
So, tell us your story. If you'd like to share please contact me at Saxel95@aol.com.
Thanks and best to all,
Monday, September 27, 2010
My just right donor, by L
It was a warm day forDecember, and my husband and I were on our way to make a very importantchoice. We were on our way toreview potential donors with our clinic and expected to choose one during thistrip.
A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.
We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.
I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.
So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?
First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.
Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.
And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”
We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.
We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.
We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.
A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.
That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.
What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.
Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.
A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.
We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.
I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.
So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?
First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.
Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.
And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”
We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.
We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.
We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.
A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.
That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.
What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.
Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Regulating Third Party Reproduction in The U.S.
Thanks for the great posts Marna. I started writing this post at 7am ......
The regulations on TPR are what I fear the most. Was it only a year or so ago a bill was voted down in MO that would have had donors listed on birth certificates (same person who proposed taking away school lunches from the poor kids over the summer, let them go work at mc d's and get fed there and work for it)?
Life is and will be hard enough for our kids without having to deal with the idea that their conception was wrong, bad, no longer available because-well,I overslept and haven't had enough coffee yet to go there.I'm on the train,on my blackberry, and I'm just a regular person trying to make a living and get through the day like everyone else. ABC still can't get anyone to talk publicly about spending a tad more for specific (read-better) donor criteria. I'm not what they're looking for,we used a bargain-basement,anonymous clinic shared-cycle donor (who may have been as smart and attractive as the ivy-leaguer...)
So Marna, please rant away because its the only way to get anyones attention. Your statement about the next 10 yrs is interesting because when I started 8 yrs ago another veteran couple at the time told me that in 20 yrs this will all be no big deal and I still hear people say that. Are we 30 pct there or do we still
have a long way to go and a lot of work to do? The technology has advanced much faster than the public mind-set. We are far from the destigmatization and real acceptance that we deserve.
Thanks again Marna!
The regulations on TPR are what I fear the most. Was it only a year or so ago a bill was voted down in MO that would have had donors listed on birth certificates (same person who proposed taking away school lunches from the poor kids over the summer, let them go work at mc d's and get fed there and work for it)?
Life is and will be hard enough for our kids without having to deal with the idea that their conception was wrong, bad, no longer available because-well,I overslept and haven't had enough coffee yet to go there.I'm on the train,on my blackberry, and I'm just a regular person trying to make a living and get through the day like everyone else. ABC still can't get anyone to talk publicly about spending a tad more for specific (read-better) donor criteria. I'm not what they're looking for,we used a bargain-basement,anonymous clinic shared-cycle donor (who may have been as smart and attractive as the ivy-leaguer...)
So Marna, please rant away because its the only way to get anyones attention. Your statement about the next 10 yrs is interesting because when I started 8 yrs ago another veteran couple at the time told me that in 20 yrs this will all be no big deal and I still hear people say that. Are we 30 pct there or do we still
have a long way to go and a lot of work to do? The technology has advanced much faster than the public mind-set. We are far from the destigmatization and real acceptance that we deserve.
Thanks again Marna!
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