Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.: 8 Surprising Facts About Parenting, Genes and What Really Makes Us Who We Are

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-barry-kaufman/nature-vs-nurture_b_837915.html

Sara Axel
516-967-7430

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Am I the Right Kind of Mother for My Chinese Child?

Am I the Right Kind of Mother for My Chinese Child?

and The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mom

A Family of Artists 3.27.11

BioNews - Australian donor conception report published

http://www.bionews.org.uk/page_90960.asp

Sara Axel
516-967-7430

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

WENDY KRAMER OF THE DSR ON DONOR AND RECIPIENT MEETINGS 3.8.11

Read the whole article or just SCROLL DOWN TO the PURPLE HIGHLIGHTED PART and you'll know why I've been as open as I can be, with surely a long way to go (and hopefully someday ready for the DSR, Wendy!) With thanks and with permission from Wendy Kramer of The DSR:

As more and more clinics and agencies include the DSR in their egg donation contracts and discussions, we get the feeling that this type of openness is becoming more acceptable in the industry. It's encouraging to hear professionals being willing to take a step out and talk about this openly!

For more than ten years, we at the DSR have been facilitating the ability for all donor families to make mutual consent contact. We have facilitated and assisted with more than 8,150of these connections. Our service allows immediate contact amongst all parties,anonymous if desired, so that medical information, photos, emails and all other information can be shared between families and their donors. We are seen on our site that parents, children, adult offspring and donors can connect with each other in a healthy, enriching and successful way, if given the chance. The industry has often stated that there is too much risk involved with allowing this type of connection (Fairfax Director 10/2010 explaining why they will not let donors know their own donor numbers) but we strongly feel that properly educated and counseled families are very capable in moving forward with their own familial connections.

 We have been advocates for the donor offspring and have continually asked the

industry and the public to ask this question, "what is in the best interest of the child to be born?". By telling the stories of those of us in "donor families" we have hopefully helped the public and those of you in the industry to have a better understanding of our needs. Secrecy does not work for the majority of us. (It does work for those without adequate education and counseling). Secrecy implies shame,and many of us don't wish to being children into the world believing that there is something inherently shameful about them.

And we also know that when donors are adequately educated and counseled, that

they also lean more towards open donations.

On the DSR, both recipients and donors can have the choice of connecting with

each other earlier than the child's 18th birthday. We know that many donor children are curious long before their 18th birthday and many have made successful connections during their teen (and even earlier) years. We believe that 18 is an arbitrary number and that parents know their children best as far as what age might be best appropriate for their child to reach out. This empowers all people involved without having the lawyer or agency, or clinic or sperm bank at the helm of their family information.

Parents usually sign up to the DSR first, as full paying members, and then post with a donor number and their clinic. Then, the donor also signs up, as a non-paying member, but she'll then have a DSR username. When the recipient family sends me the donor's $150, they just need to tell me the donor's DSR username, so that I can then activate her account to full membership, and then, she can post with the same donor number and clinic- so that they are then on the DSR as a "match". They can then share the donor's Q&A, the medical information page, photos, and emails- all while remaining anonymous to each other until they are willing to share contact information. They do not need a middle-man, and have access to licensed therapists on our site, if assistance, coaching or guidance is needed.

We are non-profit organization, with no outside funding. We are therefore not obligated to present the industry's point of view and therefore have been way ahead of the curve in asking for this industry to look at the needs of the children being born and in asking for better parent and donor education and counseling - at the front door, before major decisions are made. With almost eleven years and more than 30,000 people behind us, we would hope that the experiences of DSR egg and sperm donors, parents and donor offspring would be utilized to discuss how to bring more openness into this industry and into each family.

Wendy Kramer

www.donorsiblingregistry.com

303-258-0902

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is

roots; the other wings." - Hodding Carter

Supporting Adoptive Families

I wish we had half the public and private acceptance, support and resources available for families created through donor and surrogacy.


Supporting Adoptive Families

http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/postplacement/transsupport/

Donating eggs no easy decision - Washington Times

Not sure where this group or website is headed, but the article was fair enough.


Quoted in the article is Sujatha Jesudason, executive director of Generations Ahead, a social justice advocacy group with an interest in reproductive issues.


Generations Ahead is developing a website on egg donation with Choice USA and the Health Equity Institute at San Francisco State University.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2011/mar/7/wetzstein-donating-eggs-no-easy-decision/print/

New York, NY | StoryCorps

Great way to tell your family story.

http://storycorps.org/record-your-story/locations/new-york-ny/#reservations

Parenting Reflections from an HRC “All Children – All Families” Advisor « Human Rights Campaign

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2011/03/parenting-reflections-from-an-hrc-all-childen-all-families-advisor/

S.J. case tries to define motherhood in world of surrogates, donated eggs | courierpostonline.com | Courier-Post

http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20110302/NEWS01/103020347/S-J-case-tries-to-define-motherhood

Designer Babies for the general population and a Celebrity Battling Infertility

Anyone else catch the irony in the 2 articles below? They are from the same day,the same planet,the same century!


Is the reporter in Charlotte SC that narrow-minded to think they can't get anyone to read about infertility and ordinary people seeking specific criteria in an egg donor without it being "a designer baby". Its usually celebrities or the obviously-too-rich-and-selfish who are tied to that antiquated terminology.


Its long been known that Nicole Kidman has had infertility issues. I'm so glad she has chosen to handle her situation with class and dignity and that ABC news headline treats her as a human being with feelings, not just (and so much more important than) her celebrity status.


Still,if she's being honest and open about using an egg donor and gestational carrier, I'm very pleased that she could be our spokesperson. Its not like she needs another award or to endorse some other product,right?


So, thanks Nicole and Keith and congratulations. May you and your family enjoy only health and happiness always in welcoming your new baby!
Sincerely,
Sara Axel

2 Your Health: Designer Babies | WCBD-TV 2

http://www2.counton2.com/news/2011/feb/21/2-your-health-designer-babies-ar-1489286/

Nicole Kidman Talks Openly About Infertility - ABC News

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WomensHealth/nicole-kidman-talks-openly-infertility/story?id=12968754&page=2

DE Mom Talking With Her ART/ObGyn about Language

I saw my OB/Gyn yesterday for routine check-up.  He is moving totally out of OB work and focusing now on what he has long been involved in – ART.

He is the first to ever say DE to me.  At first, I was referred to his “partner” at the time, my Dr was only “assisting” in those procedures then.  

Now, my Dr has opened an ART office in our mid-western suburb and has announced that he will discontinue the OB practice (he said he has a few babies yet to deliver), but will keep his long-time patients who don’t need those OB services, for GYN treatment.  I love the heck out of this guy; and so, I am happy to follow.  After all, he did get me successfully through 2 high risk pregnancies.

Yesterday, he was asking about the kids, and telling his nurse asst, that I was his “oldest” mom ever - and still.  He actually seemed surprised to hear I was 50 when I delivered my son.  We talked about our egg donor, and of the kid’s “casual” familiarity with her.  They clearly know that she IS special to us.

I gently corrected him, when he called her their “biological mother”, by saying quietly “genetic”.  Hopefully, it will be the LAST correction he ever needs.  It’s his total sweetness, that allows my own quick forgiveness.  He meant “nothing” wrong.  I was a “good” one to make such a language error with.

Debbie, from the original Falling Leaves, Autumn Sunshine, Sunshine Family groups.

DE Moms Talking To Their Kids in 2011

Or talking to your friends, family, doctors ?
Let me know if you'd like to join the conversation and what you'd like to add.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Please contact me directly at SAXEL95@AOL.COM.

The Family Scholars

From the Family Scholars-the meanest cruelest bloggers out there and this is what the say about posting comments
on their site:


Bloggers and commenters: be rigorous, be powerful, be funny, but don't be mean.

Books About Families - Parenting.com

Nice book list from parenting.com
http://www.parenting.com/gallery/divorce-books-children?pnid=136880

NYC MOM talks to her SON and about DE

We had a very interesting conversation about donor egg after dinner one night last month.  I think this conversation touches on so many different aspects of DE (science, genetic traits, nature vs nurture, what's a "mother.")  And it only took 5 minutes.   Probably the last time we discussed it was six months before.
 
I asked him if he would help me read the elephant book to his little brother.  I told him I'd like his help to try to explain to his brother who is age two and a half, how much I wanted a baby and how a doctor helped us.  We talked a lot more about the "donor" than we ever had before.  Before this night, I don't think I ever used the word "donor", just a special lady who gave the doctor an egg so that the doctor could help us get pregnant.   


He was asking if he had any of my genes ("just maybe a few?" he asked, hopefully) and I said that he has some traits that are from me because he grew in my womb and because he lives with me, but they aren't technically from genes.  Then he asked if the donor had green eyes, like him.  (I couldn't remember!  I said "I think so, but I'll have to check").  He asked how I'd check, since we didn't meet her.   


I explained that even though we didn't meet her (I used the term anonymous, he knows what that means), the doctor met her and she also filled out a form with some information about her, which I kept (somewhere).  He volunteered, "I bet I have some traits from daddy, some from the donor, some from you, mommy, and some from being created in a petrie dish!!"  Yes, probably you do!    He proposed that "sixty-percent of all children who are made in a petrie dish become very interested in science."   He said he wants to become a chemist and an inventor when he grows up and that he's going to invent a lot of websites.  One of the websites will be a community where donors and families can connect "and chat to eachother."  (He's been spending time on Club Penguin and also has his own home page on shelfari.com, a reading community)  So I asked, did he want to connect with his donor?   "Sure!" he said. I told him that some donors don't want to meet the families they helped but they were very happy to help couples who wanted babies by donating "just a cell" from their bodies.  They didn't consider it creating a child, just donating an egg and helping a couple who needed one. 


I told him that the other evening, I went to dinner with other mothers who made their babies with an egg from a donor.  He said, "Really?  Wow!"  I guess I should bring him to one of those DE family gatherings.   At some point in the conversation, he called the donor an "ex-mother" GASP!  Where does he come up with this?? (he did not call her HIS "ex-mother", mind you, just AN ex-mother).   I said (extremely calmly, by the way) that the donor is not a mother, just a donor, and I asked him what he thinks a "mother" is.  And he said a mother is " a mom you grow up with."  He asked me if I wanted to meet the donor.  I said that if I ever met her, I would like to say "Thank you for helping us make our son!"  (neatly side stepping the question..., don't you think?)
 
That's about it!

Eggsploitation 2.4.11 and Why I Went

Heres why I went.I wanted to present our interests and be able to open the door for others to speak as well.I asked more questions rather than coming out for our side as I did not think being confrontational was the right approach for my first time at an event like this but rather I could reinforce to you all that we need more of our voices to be heard on this.
I'm passionate about the topic of third party reproduction and reproductive rights in general butthis goes deeper for me. It really is about my kids and maybe yours too if you're on here. 
Of course I believe in the good in the profession, good doctors, other caring practitioners, etc...but this is also how I feel about just seeing the trailor for the film online.
How about the subtitle- egg donation a dirty little secret. As a parent, perhaps as a former donor yourself or infertility patient, about the activities of the religious right and what they say about us (Shark Tank girl for one, see my Twiblings article comments as well). 
I don't believe this will go away if we don't fan it. Naral and NOW have been pretty quiet these last several yrs and where are we now? Huff post article that the 1st piece of legislation to beaddressed after the healthcare bill in the new congress is to pass a bill refining RAPE. Just myopinion.
Here's an informal review. This is all off the top of my head, notes elsewhere, more later.
I attended the 2 screenings in NYC yesterday,Fordham daytime, Columbia evening. 
One de mom friend joined me at each, and a film friend of mine joined me at Fordham, and DrNancy Carroll-Freeman,de mom of twins who ison the education committee of ASRM came toColumbia. Saw no one else I knew from our circles, small turnout at each. 20-30 ppl, 1 personbesides Lahl made up the panel,her side of the argument.
I was there yesterday in NYC for both screenings and there was a representative from NOW on the Columbia panelists and she was more an advocate of the film and Jennifer Lahl than I personally would have hoped. Kathleen Sloan,also on the board of Center for Responsible Genetics. Perhaps you already knew about the NOW person. has spoken to this as a human rights issue to the UN.BTW-Shark Tank Girl was there with a picket sign for her website and her mission as clearly stated at the screenings as “ending ALL art and reuniting children with their real (donor) parents as they go on their spiritual journey of ….” Jennifer Lahl said that is her next film project.They became fast friends right then and there.
I will be looking at the legitimacy of the film award, not known by a film friend. I was civil andlevel, as neutral as I could be in my questioning until Shark tank girl-well ,I only took one little pot shot,couldn't help it. When I asked is there a model by which ART is practiced elsewher
that they think is done according to their standards and that they would consider acceptable and I got an answer that made no sense-it might have,but it was just blah blah blah, nothing substantive. Which was when Shark Tank girl chimed in on how in other countries there is a homestudy done just like they do for adoption, to see if it’s a home and family fit to be parents. Mypot shot was-maybe they also do a better job of screening (this girl supposedly passed throughand donated twice herself). I reminded the Panel that I was asking about all ART and not just Donors and that in adoption there are different risks & liabilities for placing an existing child compared to who is entitled by law to have children through any form of reproduction.
Lahl said she is not trying to end all ivf,just mistreatment of donors, but then also says to end all art until they figure out the effects from all of it on women and-ready for this-the environment, and then in turn on all of us. 
No one from the business was there. My RE said he would have but had theater tickets for that night (it wasn’t much notice when I asked him).
The additional piece in NYC that was brought up both times was that NY State is the first to pass a bill compensating donors for stem cell research (and hence taking advantage of the poorer populations of women who would be enticed by the $). 
Lahl insists that she is not a Trojan horse for the religious right and was very upset that she was mis-quoted by the journalist, as journalists are known to do. She said she hears from women all the time so saying 3 people in the film does not represent the whole industry or that there are many more is not accurate. 
There was a medical writer there that had mentioned this and I spoke with her after the film, Marion Dreyfus, who writes about the women's global health issues, has a friend that paid a lotof money for his wife to get a donor and that's how she came to this. 
I spoke to the woman from NOW at Columbia and Marion the medical writer at Fordham, about the myth that the compensation is as high as the inflammatory numbers (and that recipients are all rich snobs) and language around designer babies and elite donors,that that's not the norm or the average. Lahl said ASRM guidelines don't mean anything when they recommend no more than $8-10,000, if I still have that correct. Anything I said about ASRM was poo-pooedas being part of the $6.5B industry that has their interest in keeping the dirty secret going.
For the 3 women in the film,how many more have to lose their ability to have children. Lahl admitted the screening venues are college campuses where donor recruiting is done.
The phrases used over and over were these:
Informed consent-either not given it or too young to understand it.
Longitudinal studies on (horrendous, life-threatening) health risks.
Taking advantage of women-the definition of eggsploitation a classic-if its on the website (let'sjust pick it apart for what it is and why shouldn't the medical community defend itself?)
Off label use of lupron. I did not get to ask how many drugs out there are also used regularly as off-label.
Regulation-I’m in favor of more openness as well as a registry of some kind if it can ever be done properly. They kept saying the donor is USED AND THEN FORGOTTEN. That really upset me.
And of course, the good ole-we’re the wild west of reproductive medicine, egg brokers, selling eggs. I have more notes and one other donor mom that I know attended each screening as did my film friend so I hope to have more to share.
One man who came late and left after his statement in which he said he was the chief of medicine at columbia (I will google and see if I can catch a photo to verify),said that anytime money is involved between a doctor and 2 parties there is a conflict of interest. Columbia had more attendance, more interest from audience and seemed on the left and because they were in a law school setting they were asking questions about malpractice insurance ratios globally as well asactual liability and responsibility-like medical mistakes happen and doctors don't want to mess up for many reasons, not just $.
Please write
to me off line if you would like
to chime in on this and let me know if you are interested in having it posted.

A Conversation with Mikki Morrisette of Choicemoms.org

I'm, always on the look-out for good info to share with our Choice Moms of The NYC Gathering, or Single Mothers by Choice. In the disclosure discussions we deal with how, when and what to tell our children and the others in our lives. Here is Mikki's take on how to deal with the others  in our lives during the early years.


About filling our paperwork for schools etc....


"Most women I've heard of opt to put N/A, or leave it blank, on birth certificates. I think in the case of schools the same would apply. But it might also be important to make a note that the child is "from a Choice Mom family, meaning I opted to build our family despite the lack of a partner." 


That's basically what I did.


Similar to adoptive families, it becomes important at times for good teachers to understand that not everyone is coming from the traditional family. At least where I am, there is more open discussion about it in those early years to lay the groundwork. 


Especially when it comes to the family tree assignments that start to happen in kindergarten. It's good to walk tall and proud. :-)


One innovative solution to the family tree assignments, which happen in early school years, is an idea that my daughter and I came up with years ago. 

On our birthdays, we draw a flower and, in the roots and stems and petals, write the names of the people who are most important to us. (It's interesting to note how some vary from year to year, and who remains the same.) Rather than noticing a blank side of the family, as with traditional family trees, where "biological dad's" side cannot be filled in adequately, we focus our efforts on recognizing that there are many friends and family in our network who help us evolve as the person we are becoming."

You can read more about this, and see an example, here: http://www.choicemoms.org/blog/70/the_family_tree_assignment
Mikki Morrissette
http://www.choicemoms.org

Thanks again Mikki. So great to have you here in NYC!

My Comments Posted to The NY Times on The Twiblings

This took 2 days of moderation to get posted. I thought it didnt make it because of the PVED plug but it did. I wrote in again without the PVED part and that one made it too, similar but tweaked.

99.

Sara Axel

New York, NY

January 13th, 2011

10:38 am

Thank you for writing this article and discussion.I started the NYC Gathering in 2002 as an in-person peer support group for people thinking about creating, trying to create a family, and parenting through donor-conception and surrogacy. Back then we thought that we'd be much further along by now in public acceptance and attitudes of others, but sadly we have much further to go. The article gives me hope for some sanity but sadly I and others still get weird or downright mean) comments, on-line and to our faces about ourselves and our kids, and its what keeps most of us in the closet. I've been criticized for outing my kids but I refuse to hide in shame. I won't out anyone who comes to our groups (and there is also secure on-line support at PVED.ORG), and I will continue to take these kinds of public hits from others who have no idea what my life or family life is like (and think I'm not really the only mom so I can't really be there for my kids when they find out how hurt and angry they too should be about all this). I do this in hope that someday we will have a safe community for our families where we don't have to fear such harsh words or judgments of others.624.

Sara Axel

New York, NY

January 14th, 2011

10:26 am

Thanks #618-Crista (and of course to Melanie for the article).In the years since starting a peer support group in NYC for anyone thinking of, trying to conceive and parenting through donor and surrogacy in 2002, I can count on 1 hand how many traditional, hetero families have been comfortable and open about this family-building journey without caring about the judgement or harsh words from others, let alone write about it in the NY Times Magazine. I've been targeted myself, taken some hits from people who say I wont be able to comfort my kids when they are mourning the loss of their other mother, and more of the same kind of criticism written in the comments here. I don't think too many more people will want to come out of the closet if this is whats waiting for them on the other side. Its really too bad, because we've finally overcome so many other stigmas, I just don't understand why we have to create or perpetuate this one.

My Friend Halle talks to her daughter and friend about DE

Halle is another mom of 6 yr twin girls. She replied to "Don't ask Dont tell with this story (and she's one of the few people I know that speaks openly about donor and third party reproduction):

"Over the weekend Dani was telling her friend that "first she was in another ladies belly and then she was put in my belly".  Her friend asked "So do you have two mommies?"  I jumped in "No, only one Mommy.  A mommy is the person that takes care of you everyday.  The one that feeds you and dresses you and buys you things.  That's a Mommy.  The other lady is called a "Donor".  The girls seemed happy with that explanation.  I believe that is how they learn.  By others asking questions and just generally being comfortable with it. 

Families are created so many different ways now.  I think people judge less and less."

Thanks, Halle!

So, tell us your story. If you'd like to share please contact me at Saxel95@aol.com.

Thanks and best to all,

DE Mom on Public Perceptions Of Third Party Reproduction 1.14.11

From Beatrice......Hi Sara, I read your most recent blog post (Don't Ask, Don't Tell).  I then went online and read the NY TIMES Magazine article about the Twiblings and its follow up article by the same author.  Next I read the comments from readers about both stories.  WOW.  Now I see what the negative feedback is that you get from some people.   The comments seemed to be either for or against third party reproduction.  But when I take a step back, doesn’t this reflect our political views as well?   You are either conservative or liberal, Republican or Democrat, for Obama or for McCain/Palin/Romney, etc.?   Myself, I am what I’d call moderate, neither conservative nor liberal, but somewhere in between.  I am liberal when it comes to social issues and conservative when it comes to financial issues.   I don’t think you can make conservative people believe in third party reproduction.  You are beating a dead horse.  What I think you can succeed at, is educating the young people.   Our future political and reproductive views lie in the young.  If you want the public at large to view third party reproduction in a favorable light, suggest to your kids one day that they stand up in front of their class and do a speech about their road to life.   I am hoping that Brendon does that one day.  Somehow, I think he will.  Personally, I think sex-ed in the classroom needs to cover a woman’s reproductive life and explain that it is limited.  The media has done a good job of making it look easy to have a baby over age 40, and it is not the fault of the celebrities.  Mariah Carey, SJP, Kelly Preston, Celine Dion and the scores of other celebrities deserve their privacy when it comes to their own reproduction.  Older women want to feel and appear youthful, we don’t want to look old, do we?   It makes us feel good to see older women reproduce.  The media feeds on that and profits from it by reporting on the over 40 crowd and their pregnancies.  So, Sara, my main opinion about your blogpost is that you should not take it personally when others do not share your opinions on third party reproduction......


Thanks to Beatrice for writing in. I hope there really won't be a need for Third Party Reproduction and ART in the future, but I hope my girls grow up to be healthy and strong, smart and caring, and great egg donors too if they want to be. 

The End of Don't Ask Don't Tell?

Happy New Year to all! One of my resolutions for 2011 is to grow The New York City Gathering and to continue to be responsive to the needs of all our members. I want everyone reading this to know that ALL people who are considering third party reproduction or are on the path to having children this way, as well as those actually involved in third party parenting, are welcome to The NYC Gathering’s events, workshops, dinners and discussion groups. My goal is to create a community for our families

Now, down to business: In 2010 we saw a few signs of public acceptance of Third Party Reproduction and Parenting and a few signs of how far we still need to go. When I started the NYC Gathering nine years ago, a respected friend told me that in twenty years this will be no big deal. Almost halfway there, I’m sad to say that this might not be. None of us at that first meeting on October 2002 would have guessed that in 2010 Arizona and Oklahoma would have had a vote on whether to put a ban on donor compensation, or that in 2009 Missouri would vote on whether to put donor names on birth certificates. On a positive note, who would have ever thought  that we’d see an HBO special “A Family Is” featuring gay celebrity adoption mom Rosie O’Donnell, loosely based on Marlo Thomas’s work in “Free to be a Family.”

In 2010, I heard many personal criticisms about my choices online, in person, from all kinds of people. Smart people who said to me: “Why do you have to tell your kids about this?”, or right in front of my kids, “Donor egg, I could never do that”. One professional with a deep interest in this field wondered if I’m just a little too public, and said maybe outing my kids is not such a good idea. Unfortunately, it’s not only the Internet-stalking crazy people I have to worry about, but the general population and their perceptions of Third Party Reproduction.

Online, I’ve been criticized for shoving a script down my kids’ throats about differentiating between egg donor and mom. They insensitively offer to comfort my kid in place of me, when she can’t find her “other mother.”   These people are clueless about the fact that in our home we encourage our kids to share their feelings. We encourage them to find and be the best of themselves they can possibly be and create their own definition of family. They will definitely be able to think and do for themselves because I wouldn’t have it any other way and neither would they!

In this week’s NY Times Magazine section there was a wonderful first person narrative written by Melanie Thernstrom about how she and her husband, Michael, had two children with the help of an egg donor and two surrogates. She was proud of her decision to go this route and disclose it to all, no matter what the repercussions might be. Bravo for her courage! Sadly, she is in the minority. Too few heterosexual couples are coming out about Third Party Parenting. perhaps because they feel it will invite judgment. This article garnered a robust 326 comments within its first twelve hours online, outpacing other hot-topics such as tax cuts, abortion, gays in the military and Wikileaks.

 I hope you didn’t miss Peggy Orenstein’s column in the Times Magazine section, “The Way We Live Now” column a few months ago about the “Think Pink” movement, and how years ago women who had breast cancer had to stay in the closet. Substitute third party reproduction/infertility for breast cancer and her 70's comparisons were right on the mark for where public acceptance and awareness of assisted reproductive technology are and how the fertility industry treats the hetero families they help create.

I was born in 1961 and remember in the 70’s, whispering the words divorce, black, cancer, gay and adopted. But we still can't even whisper donor conception, unless you've suffered a long and horrible road (with no disrespect to severe infertility folk intended). Ok, yes, we're shouting it privately amongst ourselves, but that’s about it.

Older moms received a lot of press in 2010. There was a nice article on becoming an older mom on living.health.com. The photo was bizarrely retouched to accentuate the silver-hair of a woman holding a baby. Donor-conception was mentioned as practically eliminating the biological clock. It was on the transcript of The Joy Behar Show with Joan Lunden on CNN. A sincere thanks to Dr Grifo, I really liked his honesty about fertility education. But according to the transcript, the mental health professional on that program didn’t even mention donor. What does that tell you??? Just think of the Travoltas, SJP and so on. No, celebrities don’t have to be the ones to come out and lead the way for the rest of us. I get that.

But the lines between privacy and secrecy are increasingly blurred, and most donor parents I know say it’s their kids’ story to tell. I really try to respect that--I'm not saying I don't. I just HAVE TO be the one to say it’s OUR story to tell because if I don’t, if I pretend its a non-issue when the rest of the world is so very open to just about everything else, then I fear that by the time my kids grow up they will deep down feel that there is something wrong with them. To me that equals stigma and shame. A subtle message, but a painful one nonetheless, as everything else is so openly discussed today other than donor conception. That’s problematic for me and I think it’s problematic for my kids.

In 2010, I saw The Kid, an Off-Broadway hit about a gay couple seeking to adopt. I loved the music, the lyrics, and the message. It didn't matter to me that its a gay story. It is the exact same story I have heard about TTC via donor conception and the infertility rollercoaster, including what it does to people and relationships, and what it takes to stay whole as a couple and a family, before, during and (hopefully) after kids. I saw two people speak to each other about the high cost of not having their own working ovaries and loving each other regardless, even in those horrible moments when they don’t know which way any cycle or pregnancy will go until they take home a baby. And on the other side of this story is the fact that the gay population have come along way trying to achieve their own acceptance, and are still fighting for equality today. They are now the leaders behind the anti-bullying movement and I applaud them.

Over the past eight years, I’ve met a broad range of incredible couples and individuals on this journey. Choice moms and gay families. Even this year’s film “The Kids Are All Right” showed us that gay families are like everyone else and pretty mainstream, almost passé, “No Big Deal“ according to a Sunday Styles piece in the NY Times. Sometimes I think I’ll never fit in anywhere, and I fear that my kids will feel the same. I hope and pray every day, and work fiercely to create a safe community for donor-conceived and surro families, so my kids won't feel alone and wonder why no one ever cared how they felt when people whisper, “Donor egg. I could never do that…..” You fill in the rest.

DE Moms Talking about the NYC Gathering Nov 14,2010

To start with,here's a conversation that sums it all up for me. The other mom is a married parent of a non-de kid (older daughter mentioned below) and the other a de kid. 
She said:

Good work, Mama. It was a nice event. Husband was glad he went.  Our daughter was glad we went.  She was impressed that so many people were all there to discuss be in or becoming a family "like us".  Today after dinner I hugged her and told her that the day she was born, the day I first became a mother, was one of the happiest of my life.  Her response was  "I think that will make me really happy too one day.  And if I can't  have kids  I'll adopt one or get some eggs".  So matter-of-fact. I thought that was awesome.

And I said, Thank you for being you and being there for me as well-notes like this make itworthwhile. My daughter was totally beaming and very into it that yours asked for a play date.So, I said we'd come to the city to have one soon. I mean she was glowing! Then shesaid why dont you guys come here. Then stopped herself and said, no, they can't come here because its too messy at our house. So I said that not only do we like to go to the citybut that it really doesnt matter where we have a playdate, just that we have one. 

Long Island Parents via DS - photo story books, meeting donor sibling family, share their journey with us.

Deciding on a round-table discussion for the workshop, consider this one...


Long Island Parents via DS-will show us their photo story books, discuss their experience meeting donor sibling family, and share their journey with us. 

 I am not only inspired by their personal story and  creative way of story-telling about donor-conception to their child, I have personally been exploring digital and real-life scrapbooking and photographyas a way to tell our own family story. The opportunity to open up the discussion between parents and children through visual and personal means is very empowering to me.

A Conversation about NOT TELLING with Diane Ehrensaft 11.8.10

Talking with Diane Ehrensaft, Author of "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates". Todays question for Diane is about  NOT TELLING.  


Sara:
The Nov 14 workshop will have a variety of options available on the topic of disclosure. With that in mind,I have wanted to support the people who are in what we call "the no-tell camp". Not with the objective to change anyones mind about this, but rather to help them to process whatever feelings go along with parenting after donor conception and surrogacy. 

So Diane,can you start off with anything you think might be helpful for
those on the other side of the disclosure discussion?


Diane:
Okay, here are some thoughts about emotional experiences for parents who have decided not tell their children: 

There is no boiler plate solution to sharing or not sharing with your children the facts of their conception, and each parent or set of parents will make their own choices about that, matching their family needs and personal beliefs. 


For those of you who decide not to tell, a whole host of feelings may come up that are good to be prepared for. You may feel caught in the vice created by the tensions between two opposing groups: those who feel there is no reason for a child to know (this being the common stance of the medical field over the years) vs. those who feel you are doing a disservice to your child, both emotionally and medically (for those who use donors), by not telling them the real story of their conception. 


Your job, of course, will be to hold to your own personal decision regarding your child while giving yourself room to explore all the reasons you made that decision. Some parents who don't tell worry that they will be "outed"--that somehow their child will find out from another source and be furious at them, even reject them. Some of you in the not telling camp may hold a belief that genetics are really not that important and wonder why others make such a big deal of it. Indeed, there are many in other countries who have just that thought about we Americans, and feel strongly that once the egg and sperm come together, all that matters is that a baby is made who is yours for the rest of your lives, and that it is presumptuous to assert that the children will ever even care about it at all. You may feel relieved that you don't have anything that will get in the way of the love between you and your child, which is all that all of us would ever want in our bonds to our children. You may feel relieved that your child is protected from potential harm if you live in a community or within an extended family which would not take kindly to a child conceived in these "new-fangled" ways.


If there are two parents, and you are the non-genetic parent, not telling makes it so much easier to create an even playing field between you and your partner, so that there is no worry about your child seeing you partner as the more "real" parent. Just like people who have chosen to tell, you may wonder at times if you have made the right decision to not tell, and indeed there are some people whose feelings change over time and then decide at a later date that they would like to tell their children. Parenthood is a life long process with twists and turns along the way, so what we know now as a parent of an infant may be so different from what we come to know later as a parent of a teenager. The felt advantage of deciding not to tell early in your child's life is that it is a decision you can definitely change later, whereas if you make an early decision to tell your child about his or her origins and then regret it , there is absolutely no way to undo that decision once the cat is out of the bag. 


Whatever the range of your feelings, the most important thing is that you feel supported for the way you have chosen to build your family, including the decision not to tell, for in the larger scheme of things, we should remember that we are all family.


Sara:Diane, thanks as always. 

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October 7 Voice America Show on Disclosure of Donor Origins to Children

Theresa Erickson,Conceptual Options, Ericksonlaw.com is hosting a radio show on Voice America. All shows are archived and there is an interesting and informative variety available and to be aired over the next several months.

On October 7th, I was a guest on the show to talk about The NYC Gathering and Disclosure of Donor Origins, along with Marna Gatlin of PVED.ORG and Megan Erickson, Theresa's Daughter.

Theresa hosted a great show and made my first public interview and radio experience (since the Sunday Morning Puzzle with Will Shortz and Leeann Hansen on NPR 20 yrs ago) both comfortable and enlightening.

Marna shared her insights and mission for PVED.org and has done tremendous work  supporting the families involved in egg donation and the on-going OPEN discussion she is creating in our community.

Thanks so much to Megan Erickson who shared a side of egg donation not often heard from and indeed one person who has so much to offer others and is willing to share it. Theresa, Megan and Marna-what great examples of what strong families can be.



http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=49165
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1767

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver


You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver

Conversation with Diane Ehrensaft October 10, 2010

I've been talking with Diane Ehrensaft (author of "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Suggogates") about Birth Others, Genetic Others, ages and stages of disclosure (see post from our NYC Gathering Womens Dinner in January with Diane where we discussed ages and stages of disclosure).

Diane coined the term "birth other"--which includes both donors and surrogates/gestational carriers (who are not genetically related) . My term for egg donors is "genetic others" since they didnt do the birthing.


The "young scientists" are the young school age kids who are interested in how things work rather than the complicated psychological implications. That comes later.

Diane strongly recommends having someone talk to classrooms and train teachers so that the children from assisted reproductive families do not feel like outliers (MY BIGGEST ISSUE AROUND THIS) and the issues apply to all children and the different ways of building families.
All parenthood involves loss-loss of nonparenthood life, loss of sleep, loss of fantasies as they are are replaced by the real child.  

For those parents who have dealt with fertility problems, there may be the loss of having a genetically related child. For those parents missing a parent to have a baby with, there may be a feeling of a missing parent, who a donor cannot be. As long as people know it comes with the territory, they don't have to sweep the feelings under the rug.

What Diane wants parents to know is

1) that they will creatively draw their own family map and then navigate within it; there is no one boiler plate; 2) dishonesty never pays; 3) authenticity does; 4) at the same time, there can be tiers of disclosure and layers of privacy; 5) children are incredibly adaptable organisms, and all children have something to deal with; a birth history that involved assisted reproductive technology is one of those things to deal with, and can be done with pride and good feeling, as long as parents leave room for the full gamut of their children's feelings (and their own); 6) at the time, parents should carve out separate space to work through their own raw feelings, if they surface, so that what reaches the child are metabolized and empathic responses, rather than torn or conflicted ones.

Link To Radio Show October 7, 2010

Thanks again to Reproductive and Family Lawyer Theresa Erickson of Conceptual Options and Ericksonlaw.com, Marna Gatlin of PVED.org  and Theresa's daughter Megan Erickson, for todays Radio Show on Voice America. I was honored to be part of this innovative and educational series happening on Voice America.

We are very fortunate to have professionals like Theresa and Marna (and Theresa's other guest experts) in the field of Third Party Family Building.

The show Marna and I were on together was on the topic of Disclosure. Marna shares with us her insights on how she came up with new terminology, her approach with her own family, and all the services provided and being developed at PVED.org.

Megan Erickson spoke about her experience having a Mom who has been an egg donor and her feelings about having genetic others in her own life growing up and now as the young woman Theresa can be so proud of.

http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1767

NYC Gathering Womens Dinner Recap-Childrens Book Review

September 13, 2010, led by Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD.

The NYC Gathering Group joined together to review some of the books available to introduce the idea of assisted conception to children. There was a range of opinions about which books "spoke" most directly to each of us. Some especially liked the lovely illustrations in "Mommy was your tummy big?" Others, the books that gave less information, and left more room for the reader/mother to fill in details with her own story. The best of these seemed to mention less about donors and details of medical treatment, and more about how each family is unique and special.

We agreed that the books with more information about IVF, DE, DI are more appropriate for somewhat older children, but somewhat problematic, as many of them include a lot of references to the parents' struggle with infertility and how that was presented. There was consensus that too much talk about doctors and treatments could trouble a young child, and lead them to be concerned for their parents.

There is no perfect story, but all of the books are helpful because they encourage parents to speak to children about the special ways they were conceived. At the moment, we are all focused on talking to young children, stay tuned as we think more about how to talk to older kids too.



Nancy Freeman-Carroll, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist-Psychoanalyst
350 Central Park West, Suite 13E
New York, NY 10025
212-665-0442
nminafreeman@mindspring.com

October 7 Radio Show http://www.ericksonlaw.net/surrogacy-law-radio

The Surrogacy Lawyer Radio Program- Thursday at 11am PDT


October 7, Theresa Erickson will interview her guests (Sara, Marna and Megan) about disclosure for both donor-conceived children and (non-donor conceived) children of egg donors


Prospective parents who utilize third party reproductive technologies like egg donation must answer many questions as they move through the decision-making process. How should they choose an egg donor? Should the donation be known or anonymous? If, when and how should they disclose information to their child and others? Additionally, egg donors need to consider whom they will tell about their donation, especially their current or future children.


In the second part of a two-part series on donor disclosure, Theresa Erickson will discuss these and other questions on The Surrogacy Lawyer: Your Guide to IVF and Third Party Reproduction in an episode entitled “The Two Sides of Donor Disclosure,” that will air on Thursday, October 7 at 11AM PST/2PM EST on Voice America.


Surrogacy lawyer, author and radio host Theresa Erickson will be interviewing Marna Gatlin, founder and CEO of Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED); Sara Axel, founder of the NYC Gathering and a parent of twin six-year-old girls conceived through egg donation; and Megan Erickson, law student and Theresa Erickson’s daughter.


“Disclosure often is the elephant in the room,“ says attorney Erickson. “All parties know it is important, but also realize it is one of the hardest issues to address. Intended parents need to wrestle with determining whom should they tell, what information their children need to know and when they should learn it. Then there is the other side of the coin of how the egg donor should handle disclosure. As a former egg donor, I have had this conversation with my children, one of whom will relay her feelings about this.”


http://www.ericksonlaw.net/surrogacy-law-radio

My just right donor, by L

It was a warm day forDecember, and my husband and I were on our way to make a very importantchoice. We were on our way toreview potential donors with our clinic and expected to choose one during thistrip.


A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.


We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.


I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.


So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?


First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.

Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.


And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”


We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.


We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.


We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.


A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.

That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.


What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.

Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.