It was a warm day forDecember, and my husband and I were on our way to make a very importantchoice. We were on our way toreview potential donors with our clinic and expected to choose one during thistrip.
A little background: we were cycling at an out-of-town clinic about 200 miles from our home for three reasons: 1) it was less expensive; 2) we reallyliked the doctor and one of my closest friends had a personal friendship with him and also used him for her fertility problems; and 3) this clinic allowedyou to choose your donor from a book of potential clinic donors. That was very different than the clinics here in New York, who picked your donor for you. And that was definitely appealing to us, and was one of the major reasons we decided to cycle out of town.
We had decided not to usean agency donor, because I felt like I could find someone appealing and didn’tfeel strongly that I needed to find the “perfect” donor.
I knew one thing: I didn’t want to meet my donor or seean adult picture of her. I hopedto have children that were genetically related to her; and when I looked atthem, lovingly, as they grew, changed and developed, children I consider mychildren solely (okay, and my husband’s too) despite the gene pool, I didn’twant to see someone else, someone who essentially was disconnected from us andour lives completely, looking back at me.
So here we are, on afour-hour car ride, with an appointment to look at “the book.” My husband and I share ourthoughts: what should we lookfor? What are the most importantattributes of this woman, who was going to perhaps give us the most significant thing we ever received?
First, we focused onlooks. And we agreed she didn’tneed to look like me, but the main things, like coloring, etc. needed to besimilar to mine so that our child, or children, would, to the casual observer,look like they could be mine.
Then, we focused on health. That, we agreed, was non-negotiable. Then,intelligence. We agreed she neededto be a college student or a college graduate, with a job that indicated she was above average in IQ. Andage. I don’t remember exactly what we determined, but something around 24-25 – not too young, not tooold. And a “proven” donor would be a bonus.
And that, we agreed, were the main factors. We pictured a young career woman, on her way to a life of “having it all.”
We get into town, and, thenext day, we are given the “Caucasian” book. There were around 25 or 30 profiles in the book. They told us to review it and that wecould select up to 3 proflies to hold for 24 hours. Thereafter, we could either select one, or select none and then return in a few weeks to see any new potential donors.
We were sent to a room,alone, with this thick blue binder. Each profile was 14 pages, hand written, and asked all sorts of factualquestions about the donor, her life, health, family, family health history,pregnancy and fertility history, and the like. There were also, on the last page, short essays. It was a lot of information, on the onehand, but so little, too.
We went through the bookand flagged all the college grads and a few college students. One by one, they dropped off. Too many casual sexual encounters. Questionable family healthhistories. Some women whosemotivations seemed less than ideal to us. Women who didn’t seem to have the time or interest to fill out the 14pages. After going through thewhole book, we had a few maybes. But no one that felt right.
A second glance through the binder. One profile caught my eye.I shared it with my husband. Awoman, 28 years old, a mother of two. Last job was in a pizza shop. Education stopped after high school. We pull it out. Read it once, twice. So,she didn’t go to college. So, shewas 28 years old. Not what wethought we were looking for. But the answers to her essay questions were clear and well thought out. She took pride in what she wrote and expressed herself well. No, notwhat we were looking for. Butthere was something about her. We put her in the maybe pile.
That night, we stayed at my friend’s house. I asked her tolook at the three profiles we had brought with us. Without a word, she read the three, and handed me one,saying…I like her. Pizzawoman, we called her that night, until she became “our donor” who she is tothis day.
What did we like? Her maturity. Her appreciation for being a parent. Her earnestness, and sincerity. She seemed nice, real, solid. Not perfect, but very human. And, for some reason, kind and giving.
Today, as the parents of two children she helped us conceive, I am so thrilled with our choice. Someday, if my kids ask my why we picked her, I have reasons I can explain. And if we ever have the opportunity to meet her, I think I will like her. And I know that I will have nothing but gratitude for the gift she gave us.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Definition of a Parent by The Child Welfare League of America
From the Publication of The Child Welfare League of America : Creating Parenting-Rich Communities. Go to CWLA.org for more info.
Definition of a Parent:
When we use the term "parent", we are referring to biological mothers and fathers
as well as the many different adults who take on the role of raising a child over time.
Definition of a Parent:
When we use the term "parent", we are referring to biological mothers and fathers
as well as the many different adults who take on the role of raising a child over time.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Donor Mom Dinner Recap - Discussion on DE Parenting and Disclosure
Thanks again to our Pschotherapist and DE Mom of 12 yo son who joined us for an unfortunately very-rained out dinner group last Monday night.
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
From a mom-to-be-very-soon, her personal notes to share from our gathering.....
-The DE issue is one that will be with me/my child forever, at times in the distance and at times in the forefront of my mind
-While most of my concern is about making sure my child feels loved, accepted and believes that he can freely talk about the issue, I've got to admit that some part of me still thinks that using a DE is some kind of reflection on me (whether that reflection leads to judgment/shame or is evidence of my resilience/commitment to having a child).
-I just don't think there is a father/husband on earth who understands DE issues the way a woman who deals with if firsthand does
-There is a fine, and forever changing line between privacy and secrecy
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Regulating Third Party Reproduction in The U.S.
Thanks for the great posts Marna. I started writing this post at 7am ......
The regulations on TPR are what I fear the most. Was it only a year or so ago a bill was voted down in MO that would have had donors listed on birth certificates (same person who proposed taking away school lunches from the poor kids over the summer, let them go work at mc d's and get fed there and work for it)?
Life is and will be hard enough for our kids without having to deal with the idea that their conception was wrong, bad, no longer available because-well,I overslept and haven't had enough coffee yet to go there.I'm on the train,on my blackberry, and I'm just a regular person trying to make a living and get through the day like everyone else. ABC still can't get anyone to talk publicly about spending a tad more for specific (read-better) donor criteria. I'm not what they're looking for,we used a bargain-basement,anonymous clinic shared-cycle donor (who may have been as smart and attractive as the ivy-leaguer...)
So Marna, please rant away because its the only way to get anyones attention. Your statement about the next 10 yrs is interesting because when I started 8 yrs ago another veteran couple at the time told me that in 20 yrs this will all be no big deal and I still hear people say that. Are we 30 pct there or do we still
have a long way to go and a lot of work to do? The technology has advanced much faster than the public mind-set. We are far from the destigmatization and real acceptance that we deserve.
Thanks again Marna!
The regulations on TPR are what I fear the most. Was it only a year or so ago a bill was voted down in MO that would have had donors listed on birth certificates (same person who proposed taking away school lunches from the poor kids over the summer, let them go work at mc d's and get fed there and work for it)?
Life is and will be hard enough for our kids without having to deal with the idea that their conception was wrong, bad, no longer available because-well,I overslept and haven't had enough coffee yet to go there.I'm on the train,on my blackberry, and I'm just a regular person trying to make a living and get through the day like everyone else. ABC still can't get anyone to talk publicly about spending a tad more for specific (read-better) donor criteria. I'm not what they're looking for,we used a bargain-basement,anonymous clinic shared-cycle donor (who may have been as smart and attractive as the ivy-leaguer...)
So Marna, please rant away because its the only way to get anyones attention. Your statement about the next 10 yrs is interesting because when I started 8 yrs ago another veteran couple at the time told me that in 20 yrs this will all be no big deal and I still hear people say that. Are we 30 pct there or do we still
have a long way to go and a lot of work to do? The technology has advanced much faster than the public mind-set. We are far from the destigmatization and real acceptance that we deserve.
Thanks again Marna!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Life After Assisted Conception (ART) by Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD
From: NYSPA Division of Psychoanalysis nyspa@nyspa.org
Subject: Psych-e-News
Psych - e - News
An Online Magazine from the
New York State Psychological Association
Division of Psychoanalysis
Issue #7 Winter 2010
In This Issue
Life After Assisted Conception (ART)
Carly told me that she felt she was the only mother on the playground with her secret. She had been hiding from the other mothers the fact that her own twin boys had not been conceived in "the normal way" because she feared rejection by "the motherhood club." Carly was so preoccupied by enormous self-consciousness and sadness that she hadn't noticed the other women in her neighborhood who had also needed infertility treatment. As she and I began talking about this, we came to see times in her past that she had felt different from others. Those earlier experiences had laid the ground for feeling so powerfully isolated now. The deeper understanding of this aspect of herself helped to reduce her self-consciousness, and her mood lightened. It gave her room to consider the way she, and not "the motherhood club," experiences being a mother.
The psychological impact of infertility can last a long time, even after the birth of a much-wanted child. The discovery and treatment of infertility can strain coping mechanisms, leaving even the most confident individual surprised by a profound sense of inadequacy and failure. When the treatment is successful and a child is born, the pain of trying to have a baby can now subside. But its toll--feeling powerless, alienated from peers, and battered by the losses--may linger. In the support groups I have run in my office for parents who created their families with Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), men and women talk about unresolved feelings: the unfairness of medical conditions, the mystery of infertility, and regrets for waiting to have children.
Guilt, self-criticism, anger and despair related to infertility can be confusing and disruptive, particularly when projected onto others. Some parents worry, for example, that their child will be stigmatized and not accepted as a "real" part of their extended family or socially ostracized at school. I help them to see that their own unresolved feelings are the source of these worries. In order to move on, they must acknowledge and accept these feelings, and let go of the idea of conception as they thought it "should be."
Assisted conception represents a "final frontier" in social and scientific terms. Parents using it today are adventuring into unknown terrain and can feel lost and alone. Although thousands of children are born through ART every year, assisted conception often remains hidden.
Conception occurring outside of the womb is commonly referred to as In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). IVF may use the parents' own ovum and sperm to conceive, or one or both can come from a donor, with the possible addition of a surrogate mother to carry the embryo as it develops. Gamete (ovum or sperm) donation is a complicated and sensitive psychological experience for both men and women. For example, a woman must accept both the loss of a genetic connection to her child and the addition of an ovum from another woman. This mental adjustment strains her sense of self, identity, and physical integrity. Each of these areas is vulnerable to the influence of past traumas, and the legacy of the woman's own early family experiences. For men, the need for a sperm donor may be equated with inadequate masculinity and provoke a similar crisis. Some women feel the most discomfort as they search for a donor like themselves, reflecting a desire for sameness that may be impossible to satisfy; for others, worry about the donor's otherness increases during pregnancy or heightens post-partum depressive feelings.
ART families are both similar to and different from families created through adoption or sexual intercourse. I encourage couples to define family for themselves and use this idea to think about genetics, biology, and environment. While genes matter, their significance is mysterious and intricately connected to the context in which they merge. Truths arise that may seem contradictory: Donors contribute genetic material, but they are not parents to the child conceived with donor gametes. Healthy families created with ART learn to balance what they know about and what they can only guess.
When should I tell my children? What if I have very little to tell them about the donor? Will they ask me if I'm still their mother or father? What should I say? What will it mean to me if they want a relationship with the donor? Most parents seek help with these questions as their children reach preschool age. At this age, some parents also admit to pain about feeling different from their children--in appearance, talents, or personality. In general, men and women are relieved to come together to talk about the simple pleasures and complicated realities that shape their lives thanks to the possibility of assisted reproduction.
Talking about conception with a child is also a way of talking about sexuality, and parents may bring the same discomfort and inhibitions to both topics when discussing them with their child. One parent began by reading her four-year-old daughter a storybook about ovum donation and asked me in amazement, "Is everything okay if she doesn't ask a lot of questions?" This mother had expected her daughter to want to know more about her donor, but found instead that her little girl enjoyed the story and treated it like any other book she liked: She asked to hear it over and over again. The mother's anxiety betrayed both her wish and her fear about talking with her daughter. Both benefited when mother was able to consider in advance what she wanted her child to know, aware that the two of them will say more and more over time.
Recent studies (notably the work of Susan Golombok in England) show that families created with donor gametes are doing well; families who disclose information about the use of donors may be doing even slightly better, with more openness and less conflict reported between teenagers and parents. In my professional work with families created with ART, we find ways to speak about donor gametes and the meaning of family and genetics, so that the families created with assisted conception can accept the ambiguities involved, and thrive.
Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD
Subject: Psych-e-News
Psych - e - News
An Online Magazine from the
New York State Psychological Association
Division of Psychoanalysis
Issue #7 Winter 2010
In This Issue
Life After Assisted Conception (ART)
Carly told me that she felt she was the only mother on the playground with her secret. She had been hiding from the other mothers the fact that her own twin boys had not been conceived in "the normal way" because she feared rejection by "the motherhood club." Carly was so preoccupied by enormous self-consciousness and sadness that she hadn't noticed the other women in her neighborhood who had also needed infertility treatment. As she and I began talking about this, we came to see times in her past that she had felt different from others. Those earlier experiences had laid the ground for feeling so powerfully isolated now. The deeper understanding of this aspect of herself helped to reduce her self-consciousness, and her mood lightened. It gave her room to consider the way she, and not "the motherhood club," experiences being a mother.
The psychological impact of infertility can last a long time, even after the birth of a much-wanted child. The discovery and treatment of infertility can strain coping mechanisms, leaving even the most confident individual surprised by a profound sense of inadequacy and failure. When the treatment is successful and a child is born, the pain of trying to have a baby can now subside. But its toll--feeling powerless, alienated from peers, and battered by the losses--may linger. In the support groups I have run in my office for parents who created their families with Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), men and women talk about unresolved feelings: the unfairness of medical conditions, the mystery of infertility, and regrets for waiting to have children.
Guilt, self-criticism, anger and despair related to infertility can be confusing and disruptive, particularly when projected onto others. Some parents worry, for example, that their child will be stigmatized and not accepted as a "real" part of their extended family or socially ostracized at school. I help them to see that their own unresolved feelings are the source of these worries. In order to move on, they must acknowledge and accept these feelings, and let go of the idea of conception as they thought it "should be."
Assisted conception represents a "final frontier" in social and scientific terms. Parents using it today are adventuring into unknown terrain and can feel lost and alone. Although thousands of children are born through ART every year, assisted conception often remains hidden.
Conception occurring outside of the womb is commonly referred to as In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). IVF may use the parents' own ovum and sperm to conceive, or one or both can come from a donor, with the possible addition of a surrogate mother to carry the embryo as it develops. Gamete (ovum or sperm) donation is a complicated and sensitive psychological experience for both men and women. For example, a woman must accept both the loss of a genetic connection to her child and the addition of an ovum from another woman. This mental adjustment strains her sense of self, identity, and physical integrity. Each of these areas is vulnerable to the influence of past traumas, and the legacy of the woman's own early family experiences. For men, the need for a sperm donor may be equated with inadequate masculinity and provoke a similar crisis. Some women feel the most discomfort as they search for a donor like themselves, reflecting a desire for sameness that may be impossible to satisfy; for others, worry about the donor's otherness increases during pregnancy or heightens post-partum depressive feelings.
ART families are both similar to and different from families created through adoption or sexual intercourse. I encourage couples to define family for themselves and use this idea to think about genetics, biology, and environment. While genes matter, their significance is mysterious and intricately connected to the context in which they merge. Truths arise that may seem contradictory: Donors contribute genetic material, but they are not parents to the child conceived with donor gametes. Healthy families created with ART learn to balance what they know about and what they can only guess.
When should I tell my children? What if I have very little to tell them about the donor? Will they ask me if I'm still their mother or father? What should I say? What will it mean to me if they want a relationship with the donor? Most parents seek help with these questions as their children reach preschool age. At this age, some parents also admit to pain about feeling different from their children--in appearance, talents, or personality. In general, men and women are relieved to come together to talk about the simple pleasures and complicated realities that shape their lives thanks to the possibility of assisted reproduction.
Talking about conception with a child is also a way of talking about sexuality, and parents may bring the same discomfort and inhibitions to both topics when discussing them with their child. One parent began by reading her four-year-old daughter a storybook about ovum donation and asked me in amazement, "Is everything okay if she doesn't ask a lot of questions?" This mother had expected her daughter to want to know more about her donor, but found instead that her little girl enjoyed the story and treated it like any other book she liked: She asked to hear it over and over again. The mother's anxiety betrayed both her wish and her fear about talking with her daughter. Both benefited when mother was able to consider in advance what she wanted her child to know, aware that the two of them will say more and more over time.
Recent studies (notably the work of Susan Golombok in England) show that families created with donor gametes are doing well; families who disclose information about the use of donors may be doing even slightly better, with more openness and less conflict reported between teenagers and parents. In my professional work with families created with ART, we find ways to speak about donor gametes and the meaning of family and genetics, so that the families created with assisted conception can accept the ambiguities involved, and thrive.
Nancy Freeman-Carroll, PsyD
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
New Volunteers Available for Peer Support
Please let me know if you would like to talk to someone who has been through this. We now have 6 Peer Support Volunteers available to speak with you about Infertility, IVF, Donor Conception and Parenting and Gestational Surrogacy. Contact me off-line for more info at saxel95@aol.com.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Meeting Recap of Feb 7,2010-Q+A with DE-conceived teen
Thanks to Harriette Rovner Ferguson who facilitated our discussion.The parents attending were pg and parents via de,de/ds,de/gc,blended families via de,the mom has an adoptive sibling,one de parent on an adoption path after de.
The guest of honor has a twin brother and another set of sibling twins a few yrs younger,early teens,same donor. She expressed a natural,comfortable curiosity and gratitude for the donor and was open to answering anything thrown her way. She is interested in whether or not she has any other donor siblings besides her family.
All the attendees were impressed with her poise and maturity and almost everyone said they hope their own kids turn out half as wonderful as this young woman.
Thanks again to Harriette and our guest.We are hoping for a follow-up meeting this summer.
The guest of honor has a twin brother and another set of sibling twins a few yrs younger,early teens,same donor. She expressed a natural,comfortable curiosity and gratitude for the donor and was open to answering anything thrown her way. She is interested in whether or not she has any other donor siblings besides her family.
All the attendees were impressed with her poise and maturity and almost everyone said they hope their own kids turn out half as wonderful as this young woman.
Thanks again to Harriette and our guest.We are hoping for a follow-up meeting this summer.
Monday, March 16, 2009
3 NYC Gathering Members added to list of volunteers
Additional peer support is available from 3 of our group members. All are good friends who have made this offer to be able to help others one-on-one by phone appointment.
Please contact me if you would like to talk to one of these women about de, de/ds for smc's, de/gs, the journey as well as parenting.
If you would like to become a volunteer please let me know.
Please contact me if you would like to talk to one of these women about de, de/ds for smc's, de/gs, the journey as well as parenting.
If you would like to become a volunteer please let me know.
Monday, March 9, 2009
From Lonny Higgins, Author of "Creating Life Against The Odds
I am honored and extend my thanks again to the amazing and wonderful Lonny Higgins for the first blog entry....
I am a 62 year old practicing Ob/Gyn, author of the book Creating Life Against The Odds, The Journey From Infertility to Parenthood which you might have fun checking out through my website at http://www.lonnyhiggins.com/. But I am also an elementary school substitute teacher, an addicted distance paddler of the Molokai Channel and a neophyte farmer of artichokes on the Big Island. So, how come I'm wanting to share on your blog? Mine was one of the early DE journeys of the 1990's, making me a crusader for the right of our children to know of their donors during a time when REI's thought that anonymity was the only reasonable choice. It was foremost a journey which brought me to have our third baby at the age of 50 because I couldn't bear the thought of no longer hearing the patter of tiny feet in our home. I'm a philosophical nut, too, so I'll excerpt some insights...
I find it very interesting that finally we are seeing studies about donor siblings in which, for the first time, identity/family quest behavior is no longer presumed to be stemming from a desire to understand loss, but rather from a desire to know bounty in the sense of a greater family identity. The early years of DI were so immersed in secrecy that the only paradigm we heard about was how anonymous DI was really an angst experience for the lost parent, yet I always felt that the sense of having lost something by being conceived in that way was something more due to how the information was or wasn't shared and how guilty the parent or parents felt about it, than anything to do with genes shared with those "lost dads." It is also noteworthy to me that the term donor siblings is now using the word sibling to mean anyone who shares some genes, where before it meant only those who share all their genes regardless of what roof they were raised separately beneath.We are one step closer to understanding what has been a lightbulb experience for me and that is the positive aspect of genes shared rather than owned. For our family, the sharing of genes never became the criteria for sibling identity because we fell on the other end of the spectrum entirely. We feel that sibling is defined by being raised within one family under one roof, so the basis of closeness never became one of genetic ranking. I believe the opposite end of the spectrum is finally taking a back seat when people can call those with shared genes full siblings. We are all related and at the same time someone else's child. This fundamental duality is inherent in all of nature. Nice to see it declaring itself after all these years. Hugs, Lonny
I am a 62 year old practicing Ob/Gyn, author of the book Creating Life Against The Odds, The Journey From Infertility to Parenthood which you might have fun checking out through my website at http://www.lonnyhiggins.com/. But I am also an elementary school substitute teacher, an addicted distance paddler of the Molokai Channel and a neophyte farmer of artichokes on the Big Island. So, how come I'm wanting to share on your blog? Mine was one of the early DE journeys of the 1990's, making me a crusader for the right of our children to know of their donors during a time when REI's thought that anonymity was the only reasonable choice. It was foremost a journey which brought me to have our third baby at the age of 50 because I couldn't bear the thought of no longer hearing the patter of tiny feet in our home. I'm a philosophical nut, too, so I'll excerpt some insights...
I find it very interesting that finally we are seeing studies about donor siblings in which, for the first time, identity/family quest behavior is no longer presumed to be stemming from a desire to understand loss, but rather from a desire to know bounty in the sense of a greater family identity. The early years of DI were so immersed in secrecy that the only paradigm we heard about was how anonymous DI was really an angst experience for the lost parent, yet I always felt that the sense of having lost something by being conceived in that way was something more due to how the information was or wasn't shared and how guilty the parent or parents felt about it, than anything to do with genes shared with those "lost dads." It is also noteworthy to me that the term donor siblings is now using the word sibling to mean anyone who shares some genes, where before it meant only those who share all their genes regardless of what roof they were raised separately beneath.We are one step closer to understanding what has been a lightbulb experience for me and that is the positive aspect of genes shared rather than owned. For our family, the sharing of genes never became the criteria for sibling identity because we fell on the other end of the spectrum entirely. We feel that sibling is defined by being raised within one family under one roof, so the basis of closeness never became one of genetic ranking. I believe the opposite end of the spectrum is finally taking a back seat when people can call those with shared genes full siblings. We are all related and at the same time someone else's child. This fundamental duality is inherent in all of nature. Nice to see it declaring itself after all these years. Hugs, Lonny
From Lonny Higgins, Author of "Creating Life Against The Odds
I am honored and extend my thanks again to the amazing and wonderful Lonny Higgins for the first blog entry....
I am a 62 year old practicing Ob/Gyn, author of the book Creating Life Against The Odds, The Journey From Infertility to Parenthood which you might have fun checking out through my website at http://www.lonnyhiggins.com/. But I am also an elementary school substitute teacher, an addicted distance paddler of the Molokai Channel and a neophyte farmer of artichokes on the Big Island. So, how come I'm wanting to share on your blog? Mine was one of the early DE journeys of the 1990's, making me a crusader for the right of our children to know of their donors during a time when REI's thought that anonymity was the only reasonable choice. It was foremost a journey which brought me to have our third baby at the age of 50 because I couldn't bear the thought of no longer hearing the patter of tiny feet in our home. I'm a philosophical nut, too, so I'll excerpt some insights...
I find it very interesting that finally we are seeing studies about donor siblings in which, for the first time, identity/family quest behavior is no longer presumed to be stemming from a desire to understand loss, but rather from a desire to know bounty in the sense of a greater family identity. The early years of DI were so immersed in secrecy that the only paradigm we heard about was how anonymous DI was really an angst experience for the lost parent, yet I always felt that the sense of having lost something by being conceived in that way was something more due to how the information was or wasn't shared and how guilty the parent or parents felt about it, than anything to do with genes shared with those "lost dads." It is also noteworthy to me that the term donor siblings is now using the word sibling to mean anyone who shares some genes, where before it meant only those who share all their genes regardless of what roof they were raised separately beneath.We are one step closer to understanding what has been a lightbulb experience for me and that is the positive aspect of genes shared rather than owned. For our family, the sharing of genes never became the criteria for sibling identity because we fell on the other end of the spectrum entirely. We feel that sibling is defined by being raised within one family under one roof, so the basis of closeness never became one of genetic ranking. I believe the opposite end of the spectrum is finally taking a back seat when people can call those with shared genes full siblings. We are all related and at the same time someone else's child. This fundamental duality is inherent in all of nature. Nice to see it declaring itself after all these years. Hugs, Lonny
I am a 62 year old practicing Ob/Gyn, author of the book Creating Life Against The Odds, The Journey From Infertility to Parenthood which you might have fun checking out through my website at http://www.lonnyhiggins.com/. But I am also an elementary school substitute teacher, an addicted distance paddler of the Molokai Channel and a neophyte farmer of artichokes on the Big Island. So, how come I'm wanting to share on your blog? Mine was one of the early DE journeys of the 1990's, making me a crusader for the right of our children to know of their donors during a time when REI's thought that anonymity was the only reasonable choice. It was foremost a journey which brought me to have our third baby at the age of 50 because I couldn't bear the thought of no longer hearing the patter of tiny feet in our home. I'm a philosophical nut, too, so I'll excerpt some insights...
I find it very interesting that finally we are seeing studies about donor siblings in which, for the first time, identity/family quest behavior is no longer presumed to be stemming from a desire to understand loss, but rather from a desire to know bounty in the sense of a greater family identity. The early years of DI were so immersed in secrecy that the only paradigm we heard about was how anonymous DI was really an angst experience for the lost parent, yet I always felt that the sense of having lost something by being conceived in that way was something more due to how the information was or wasn't shared and how guilty the parent or parents felt about it, than anything to do with genes shared with those "lost dads." It is also noteworthy to me that the term donor siblings is now using the word sibling to mean anyone who shares some genes, where before it meant only those who share all their genes regardless of what roof they were raised separately beneath.We are one step closer to understanding what has been a lightbulb experience for me and that is the positive aspect of genes shared rather than owned. For our family, the sharing of genes never became the criteria for sibling identity because we fell on the other end of the spectrum entirely. We feel that sibling is defined by being raised within one family under one roof, so the basis of closeness never became one of genetic ranking. I believe the opposite end of the spectrum is finally taking a back seat when people can call those with shared genes full siblings. We are all related and at the same time someone else's child. This fundamental duality is inherent in all of nature. Nice to see it declaring itself after all these years. Hugs, Lonny
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